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FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

Hooray for America the Dependent

Let’s hear it for freedom! Ain’t it grand?

Let’s hear it for all those old souls who died to give us this nation, where we can be free from want, worry, fidelity, and responsibility. Where we can be free to expect a self-affirming career and a McMansion, free from the stress of competition or struggle, free to demand what’s coming to us.

Let’s cheer for the parade of people who made all of this possible: the politicians, the bureaucrats, the union heads, the activists, the community workers. They’re the folks who put things back on the right track, toward balance and harmony, acceptance of everything and rejection of nothing, except those things they agree everyone should reject.

Let’s give thanks for the people who work so hard to organize our society properly, who came up with a plan and made it happen, who make sure we don’t have to make decisions about our health care, our schools, our banks, our cars, or the salt in our food.

It’s so tough to make up your mind, and it’s good to know an expert somewhere is taking care of it.

Let’s raise a glass to the all-American, too-big-to-fail brands—to GM, Chrysler, AIG, Citigroup, Bank of America, and the rest. Thanks for being you—you’re what makes this country great! Not greater than any other country mind you, but equally great (except at soccer).

We’re so lucky to live in a country where no one’s better than anyone else, where if someone falls down, we all pick them up, and if someone makes too much money, we take it away from them. It’s great to have a country where no one can be labeled or criticized (unless you’re one of those people), where you don’t have to earn anything to get something, where people feel ashamed for being rich and proud for being poor.

I don’t know about you, but I love Little League games where no one loses and everybody wins. It’s how the Founders would’ve wanted it.

And while we’re at it, let’s give those Founders a cheer, with their powdered wigs and wooden teeth. Sure, the old fools believed in a lot of antiquated notions such as God and liberty, but they gave us the right to speak (as long as there’s a Fairness Doctrine), to worship (as long as it’s the right kind), to assemble (unless it’s protesting this president), and to bear arms (unless the mayor says no).

Pursuing happiness is just too tiresome. It’s so much better to live in a country where you can demand happiness as a basic human right.

Of course, we’re going to have to defend this freedom against its enemies. You know who I’m talking about—the flag wavers and Bible-thumpers, the wacko gun nuts and tea partiers, the evil corporations and rascally entrepreneurs. They all want to send us back to the Dark Ages. They want to run their own lives and their own companies and raise their own kids their own way. And let me tell you, that isn’t good for us or those poor kids.

Fortunately, there are plenty of people who are happy to take care of all that for us, wonderful people who deserve those secure jobs, benefits, and pensions. Why, without them, who’d make sure people don’t get too successful or too rich, that we have hybrids, free wi-fi and non-dairy alternatives, and that we don’t tolerate intolerance?

Ah, it’s great to live in America the beautiful—where “all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his wrongs”—brought to you by China and your neighbor’s grandchildren. I hope she never changes.

It’s the brave new world. We should all be happy to be a part of it.

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