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FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

The Sequester: Sturm Und Drang and Fecal Fertilizer

If Cutting This Little Spending Causes This Much Damage Than American Democracy Deserves a Dirt-Nap

Yep, That's How Little We Intend To Cut

John Wayne Bobbit Survived A Much Bigger Cut

I hate to admit that I work for our pathetic, whiny, pussified excuse for a Federal Government. I am a Civil Servant, but I promise not to whine about how much I’ve had to pay for tampons over the looming Sequestration !CRISIS! You see, Sequestration stands poised to invade our galaxy. Run for the Hills! Flee, you fool. DOOM is at hand. The bloodied Sword of Damocles hangs tenuously above the callow heads of our fair and innocent citizens. As Bill Paxton’s PTSD’d Space Marine put it in Aliens: “GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!”(NSFW – language)*

Just how bad and how vile is the carnage? What could lay low the American Nation and strew the flotsam and jetsam of a lifetime’s worth memories across the fruited plains? We quiver like pillars of gelatin before a reduction of outlays totaling $44Bn out of $3,553Bn. Yep. We’re reducing the current year budget by less than 2%. $44Bn out of $3,553Bn roughly approaches a budgetary number equal to the left-hand limit of chicken-(expletive)! That’s how pathetically little this sequestration really cuts.

Yet as the vile hour of mild inconvenience draws righteously nigh; the believers mark their doors in hopes that The Fearsome Angel of Death will skip their households. Grieving sinners wear sack-cloth and ashes, mourning the beloved Republic. The White House Press Flaks dolefully ring their iron hand-bells. They chant the litany “Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!”

OK, I’m exaggerating a wee tad. But that’s OK. SO is the Federal Government. Here’s what the piteous whine of the ridiculously over-privileged sounds like in real time.

“We can’t travel, we can’t go to conferences, we can’t do the things we’re here and supposed to do and committed to do,” said Steven Adamske, spokesman for the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC).

And they PROMISED me a pony along with my (expletive-deleted) TSP! Yeesh!! I’m embarrassed to admit I work for the Federal Government on some days.

Oh, and if that doesn’t have you shaking in your shoes. We can use this as a pretext to turn loose illegal aliens all over Jeebus Land.

“In order to make the best use of our limited detention resources in the current fiscal climate and to manage our detention population under current congressionally mandated levels, ICE has directed field offices to review the detained population to ensure it is in line with available funding,” said ICE spokeswoman Gillian Christensen. “As a result of this review, a number of detained aliens have been released around the country and placed on an appropriate, more cost-effective form of supervised release. We’re getting reports from multiple detention centers in Texas, Florida and New Orleans where detainees who are low priority are being released in mass without bond,” Domenic Powell, a spokesman for the National Immigrant Youth Alliance, an immigration advocacy group, said Monday night.

And the ever-brilliant and vivacious Charles Blow warns us of dire consequences. As Heather put it in The Blair Witch Project: “I’m…so….scared!”

It’s crunch time. The sequester’s automatic, across-the-board spending cuts are set to go into effect on Friday, and there is no plan as yet to stop it. America, this is your feeble government at its most ineffective and self-destructive.

You wanna know how bad it really is. If this keeps up, your flight could be delayed! Former Republican sleaze-bag pol, and now Democrat sleaze-bag pol, Secretary of Transportation; Ray LaHood knows just how to play to the coveted Mangina Demographic. He tells us the following.

“Your phones are going to start ringing off the hook when these people are delayed at airports,” said LaHood, a former GOP congressman from Illinois. “Nobody likes a delay. Nobody likes waiting in line.”

Just fire the US Federal Government! Make them go in the woods and fabricate shelters out of deadfall and tree bark. After maybe a month of eating bugs and building a fire out of rocks and sticks, we can bring the survivors back in for a nice, hot shower and a steak. These individuals will be worthy of administering the Federal Government of a great and noble nation.

This is pathetic! This is so unworthy of America. This is the new American Exceptionalism. We are exceptionally pussified! I am disgusted to admit that I work for this government. If you can’t survive a 1.2% reduction in your expenditure without smashing the 7th Seal, you truly deserve the Apocalypse and all its attendant boils, pains and plagues.

So yes, by way of disclosure, my own personal salary will go down by 20% for the rest of the year. My children will have to quit their activities and we won’t get to travel, eat out or go on a family vacation until this idiocy resolves itself. But the utter sturm und drang I hear from people who are going to suffer one heck of a lot less than I will personally from this is pathetic. It is unmanly. It is un-American. Hang your (expletive-deleted) heads in shame, Government Bureaucrats. Soak them in a bucket and wash the bull-(expletive) off! If cutting this little spending causes this much damage than American Democracy deserves a dirt-nap.

*- If at work, listen w/ headphones.

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