FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR
The Sequester Gift Bag
As you all are probably aware, the Oscars were this past weekend, and as usual, the gift bag was huge. It was at a five year low $47,803, mind you, but by the standards of us poors, it was gigantic.
So that got me thinking, what kind of gift bag would our beloved Congressmen and Senators get from President Obama for putting up with this sequester? Below are some of the ideas I came up with:
- Signed copies of Dreams of My Father and The Audacity of Hope, for obvious reasons.
- A recipe for gourmet Peking Duck. They’re in the process of owning us already, and our duck–er, goose–is cooked anyways.
- The keys to a Chevy Volt. Not the actual car, of course. Just the keys. That’s how bureaucracy works. Well, okay, Harry Reid gets a Volt, but by the time he gets to it, it has been keyed, slashed, and set on fire.
- 4 Houston Astros season tickets. The owner is a donor, you know, and it’s not like anyone else wants them.
- A $500 gift card to the Golf Warehouse
- A photocopy of a printout of the Wikipedia article for “Largest Denominations of US Currency”, with the $100k note circled and the words “Not a bad idea, Tim.” written next to it.
- A bag of 16.6 chocolate trillion dollar coins.
- A cel from The Lion King where Rafiki hoists Simba up before the bowing animals
- An iPod loaded with his speeches.
- A stress ball with Kaiser Permanente emblazoned upon it. You’ll need it come tax time, if you decide to pay them.
- A nice dark grey pair of high-waisted Levi’s, perfect for use with those Astros tickets.
- A stack of fifty–count ‘em–fifty $100 bills with the words “ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS” scrawled across the top. Whether he’s referring to Franklin or Bernanke is unclear.
- A Chromebook laptop, but the labels are all in Korean. 2% of the available memory is missing as well.
- A Microsoft Surface, because [expletive] Google, and we gave money to Obama too.
- A Macbook Air, because why should Google and Microsoft have all the fun? We’re better, and also Obama donors.
- A box of Twinkies. Hostess might be an oppressor of the proletariat, but you can’t deny those things aren’t delicious.
- A twelve-pack of Pepsi Cola cans, the chosen drink of aborted fetuses everywhere!
- A Chicago Olympics t-shirt. That swag had to go somewhere, and those African kids aren’t unionized.
- A picture of the 1985 Chicago Bears at the White House. Mike Ditka is not in it.
- A grab bag of leftover Obama-Biden 2012 campaign swag, valued at anywhere from $100 to $500.
- An all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii for two weeks for four, and if you want to bring along an extra two, three, or twenty along, who’s counting? Heck, bring the whole Congressional staff with you! You can even take dear old Aunt Fran who lives in Cleveland and smells of cats and despair, while you’re at it.
What do you think would be in there?