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NYT: Oaths are but words, and words but wind

Or: Obama Breaks Wind

(with apologies to Samuel Butler)

In an article this week, the New York Times refers to President Obama’s often repeated claim that you “will be able to keep your health care plan, period” as an “incorrect promise.” From the article:

The split between lawmakers and the White House reflects the dilemma the president finds himself in as he seeks to follow through on last week’s acknowledgment about his incorrect promise on health care coverage.

This follows their earlier obfuscation that President Obama simply “misspoke”. In this week’s article, the news is that “White House officials are struggling to make good on President Obama’s promise that Americans can keep their insurance coverage without undermining the new health law or adding unaffordable costs.”

It goes on to explain that good-natured Obama and his administration are trying mightily to satisfy a small percentage of squeaky wheels who had the audacity to believe the President, but that it is quite difficult to do so since not keeping the “incorrect promise” would be way niftier. It is clear from the article that if it weren’t for all the troublemakers quoting the President, everything might soon be going swimmingly.

Insurers say that allowing people to keep their existing policies would upend the assumptions built into new policies and rates for next year and lead to higher premiums for consumers.

The tacit admission being, of course, that keeping certain plans was never an option, even if you liked your plan, and gosh darnit, just let it go!

Orwellian doublethink is becoming all too common these days, but the lengths the New York Times will go to in order to carry water for this administration and Obamacare in particular truly amazes. It leads one to consider other “incorrect promises” of note. Like “all the news that’s fit to print” or “Uma Thurman is super hot”, for example. Nevertheless, if that is the way the wind is blowing, let no man say I do not also blow. Knowledge is power, so in the spirit of the new paradigm, here are 5 examples of how to use New York Times speak, in a primer I like to call …

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. LICORICE IS CANDY.
How To Speak New York Timesese

CLAIM: The website will be ready by the end of November.
REALITY: Ha!
NYTimes Speak: “Following the glitchy October rollout of the Healthcare.gov website, administration officials assured Americans that the site would be fixed and ready to go by the end of November. It has since become clear that this was a ‘Just Outside of Keepable Estimate’ or “JOKE” as it is commonly referred to. The site will more likely be ready on a date that takes place in the future, being a time distantly be reached. It shall not be December, nor shall it be November. October is right out. Republicans and people who want you to die quickly should stop harping on November and focus on this toy monkey. LOOK AT THE MONKEY!”

CLAIM: If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.
REALITY: Don’t let the door hit you.
NYTimes Speak: “Much has been made of President Obama’s accidentally unpossible assertion that you can keep your health plan if you like it, but recently the first half of his promise, that you can keep your doctor, has come under similar scrutiny. Due to the cancellation of some awful, Satan-inspired health plans, it turns out that the administration will likely be unable to honor the President’s accuracy challenged sentence error. But to be honest, your doctor was kind of a dick anyway. Plus, his receptionist told us she smelled crack on him the other day, so … I mean, who does he think he is, a mayor? If anything, you should be thanking Obama.”

CLAIM: Mayor Rob Ford is not a drug- and alcohol-addled comedy routine come to life.
REALITY: HE LIVES IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER.
NYTimes Speak: “Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto is under fire not only in the press, but from his own city council, amid controversy surrounding his admission that he smoked crack. City officials are suggesting that his criminal indulgences undermine his ability to govern, and distract from the day to day operation of the continent’s fourth largest city. Ford counters that he is no addict, that he still has a zero tolerance policy for drugs, and that he was in a falling-down-drunken stupor at the time so it’s totally fine. We at the Times agree that smoking crack one time is no grounds for going around impeaching people willy-nilly. I mean if we went around firing everyone that got a little too drunk, smoked a little crack, did a few lines of coke off a prostitute’s lifeless body, changed their name to avoid prosecution, or watched an Oliver Stone movie for its ‘intellectual honesty’, well who would be left? So please, just step down off your high horse and GET ALL THESE SPIDERS OFF OF US!!!!!”

CLAIM: The World Will End In 2012
REALITY: Earth – 1, Mayans – 0
NYTimes Speak: “December of 2013 approaches, and on the 21st, it will be one year since the planet was supposed to be destroyed according to an ancient Mayan incorrect prophesy. The end of the long count calendar, according to some, meant that the world would end on the 21st of December last year. The Mayans did not count on the universe failing to keep up its end of the bargain, however, and posthumously apologized for any inconvenience survivors might experience based on their assurances, and also for beheading so many people. Though the world continues uninterrupted, it is hard to argue that if it had ended as promised, no one would have had to hear “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke. So really, were the Mayans pessimists? Or humanitarians.

CLAIM: Miley Cyrus is not a train wreck
REALITY: Denzel Washington and Chris Pine are chasing her down with another train.
NYTimes Speak “Many people recently have suggested that the series of publicity seeking stunts by … you know what, we just can’t. She’s … she’s a total train wreck. And her dad has a mullet. A MULLET PEOPLE.”

So there you have it. Now we know how to speak New York Times. Just do me one favor: promise you’ll only use this power for good.

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