FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR
See Ya Later, I’m Voting Vader
Darth Won’t Make You Barf
So you’re tired of the hypocrites and the 3rd party types that flame out. I could empathize. I endorsed Rick Santorum on what I believed to be his comparative merits in 2012. I cried in my pitcher Newcastle Brown when SMOD burned up somewhere above the Tropopause. For those of you with too much hair on yer chest to ever vote for the lesser evil, Cthulhu for President was a diabolical option. Regrettably, General Zod had to go and ruin everything*.
Yet this year the field has been cleared before The Evil Primary season even gets started. You see, Darth Vader has already accepted your puny nomination. After careful consideration; he decided not to view it as an insult to his person. This man is not 1/32 Cherokee. He does not claim to be Dead Broke. He would brag about the crime stats if he were the mayor of Bulletmore, Murderland. He is the one true channeler of the Dark Force. He is none other than Darth Vader. That’s Lord Vader for those not in The Galactic 1%.
You will endorse him, lest he find your lack of faith to be disturbing. You will endorse his platform of utter domination. Pray that he doesn’t alter the deal any further. The Wonk Blog at The Washington Post has told you your future. Lord Vader will condescend to be your president. If you don’t like how your constitution is doing, go swim fifty laps.
Now these silly infatuations with genuinely evil candidates are amusing. The idea of SMOD fresh from the pages Lucifer’s Hammer being preferable to Mitt Romney of Barack Obama is worth a chuckle. I mean you wouldn’t want an anthropogenic dorked-up Presidency; would you? But these polls also have a message behind the Monty Pythonesque black humor. It comes from all of the mental and moral midgets who campaign for our votes by telling us to “Always Look On The Bright Side of Life.”
On a more serious note; I take two things away from the internet memes on behalf of Authentically Evil Candidates. A lot of people think of the guys we have now as less competent and less honest versions of Zod or Vader. It’s almost like they are saying. “Psst, Hey Mitt. This is how it’s done, Chowderhead.” And the dishonesty is key. People are so tired of the typical man of the people hooey we get from these disgusting, elitist pigs. The jokes about kneeling before Zod always bring to mind the times interns got made kneel before our real life Commander-In-Cheeses. The whole idea of Cthulhu For President would not be amusing if we were able to dig up a halfway decent human being to elect in real life.
*-Better to tell King Fahd to kneel before Zod than have a US President bow to him like the one we have now!
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