You know, there are so many places to go with this photo that I’m in snark overload and can’t write a story. So I’m just going to start with the punchline. Let’s play a little game I like to call …

What’s Wrong With This Picture:

There is a tradition in the Senate, you see, where each successive Senator carves his name into the underside of a desk drawer. Pretty cool idea, I think. Carving out a piece of history, to use the obvious turn of phrase. The above drawer started with Albert Baird Cummins and went on to be marked by Henry Cabot lodge, Robert Kennedy and, at last, Barack Obama.

Just look at those marks. Each a little different. You can almost smell the wood. It’s interesting. All those men of power, one after the other in turn, taking a moment to scrape their name into the desk like any schoolboy.

And then there’s Barack Obama.

This is where my snark overload almost undid me. The first take, of course, is what kind of arugula-sipping effete takes the ‘simple man’ aura out of a tradition from the rough and tumble 19th century and turns it into … that!? I mean really, put yourself in the moment with him. What is going through his mind as he eschews the simple lines and manly cuts of carving his name in favor of that loopy brand logo? The host of notables before him scratched their letters onto the wood with at least an apparent modesty and respect for the tradition, and he sits there and thinks … What? Not good enough for Me?

I can’t stop being reminded of the characters at Disney. If you’ve been there with your kids, you’ll know they carry autograph books with them, and every time they see a Disney character, they can get in line, get a photo, and have the character autograph the book. No matter which park you are in or what time of day, the signature is identical. It’s the brand, baby, and you can’t dilute the brand. And it gives the little ones the continuity that suggests there may really be a giant chipmunk talking to them. So I guess the idea in this case is that the One wanted us to see his trademark swoops, on the assumption they’ll be instantly recognizable by any schoolchild with an autograph book. Yep, that does suit his celebrity mentality.

Or maybe it’s just run of the mill elitism. It would be his signature move, after all. I’m too good for the practice of common Senators. With his history of altering American tradition, from flag pins to planes to the Presidential seal, Obama has proved over and over that’s he’s above and beyond our common traditions and history. We are but the bitter clingers, after all.

Or maybe it’s the whole ‘voting present’ thing. Hmm? Phoned it in? I mean that literally. Considering most of his career in the Senate, such as it is, has been conducted as a Presidential campaign event, perhaps he just called an assistant and had them autopen the desk.

You see what I mean? Too many angles. Maybe he wanted to honor John Hancock because he assumed, since the building is in Chicago, Hancock must be from there too. Maybe he was just doodling on the desk and then noticed the names and covered it with an overdone autograph. Maybe he did carve it, but being Obama his carving kit is calligraphic. Maybe he saw the treasury secretary signature on money and thought, well at least his signature could like all those other signatures on all those dollar bills. Brain … frying … too many … comments to make.

I just can’t handle them all. It’s too much for one man to handle, and so I leave it to you. Tell me, please. Why oh why is one of these names not like the others. What’s the deal with Obama’s O-pulent anaglyptography? Hmm?