There’s an old saying that goes “if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”

I’ve reached my fill today, and I’m proposing a corollary:  “if all you have to show for your college education is an African-American Studies major, everything looks like racism.”

In today’s edition of The Post, the independent student newspaper, the weekly opinion column is written by Aisha Upton, a self-described “angry black woman.”  I don’t profess to know Ms. Upton, but I do know that, apparently, there is truth in advertising.

Is the University Program Commission planning on ending a one-race-only homecoming king and queen ceremony?  Well, of course all those white people are evil, but so are the black people in favor of ending dated, segregationist events.

Morons at a nearby scribble vulgar racist threats at a school thirty miles from here?  Well, that’s just an example of how racist all white people are.

Yes, this kind of divisive, inane, and half-baked hackery that us Athenians have to put up with on a weekly basis.  A weekly diatribe about how we’re all racist for disagreeing with the columnist.  Talk about a one-trick pony.

But today’s incoherent gibbering isn’t just her usual prattle about how all the liberal residents of People’s Republic of Athens is really the Southeastern Ohio branch of the Aryan Brotherhood.  This is a bridge too far.

In today’s prattle, Upton makes the time-honored liberal argument that all criticism of President Barack Obama is based on… you guessed it! Racism.

This month is Black History Month, yet February has no national holidays for Black leaders with birthdays in the month. As a further slap in the face, does it surprise anyone else that Presidents Day falls right in the middle of Black History Month?

Last February, we celebrated the first Presidents Day in American history where we actually had a Black president. One year later, I still receive e-mails acknowledging our country’s huge stride, but the conscious part of me cannot help believing we have not come far enough. We have so much further to go.

Despite the importance of a Black elected representative for this country, racism remains alive and well in America. Right now, it has no foreseeable end.

It’s the face of racism, however, that changed. Evidence of this resurfaced in institutional inequities, hidden political agendas and media rife with stereotypical images of minorities framed to perpetuate racist views.

[...]

Even our president, Barack Obama, is not immune to such scrutiny. Watch Fox News on any given day and you will see how its commentators use the presence of a Black head of state as an outlet to demean the entire race.

They pick Obama apart like no other politician. Every move he makes is under a microscope. The place he chooses to worship God comes under fire. His wife cannot even wear a sleeveless dress without having her womanhood questioned.

What in God’s green Earth are you smoking, woman?  Are you seriously suggesting that anyone who criticizes the president is doing so just because they don’t like the amount of melanin in his skin?  To answer my own question, yes, she is seriously suggesting it.

Apparently, in preperation for her weekly offering at the altar of the Obamessiah, Upton forgot that HISTORY DID NOT BEGIN ON NOVEMBER 2008, YOU MORON!

Criticism of our leaders and their wives is almost a national pasttime for Americans.

Abraham Lincoln—one of those Republicans Aisha believes to be Klansmen in disguise, no doubt—was vilified by the media and opponents, and actually restrained his homeland security policies, in attempts to mollify the civil-liberties and anti-Republican voices in the so-called “news media.”

President James K. Polk’s critics accused him of collaborating with slave-owners and Southerners, in a bit to gain more slaves for slaveowners.

Do I seriously need to go on and list every single President who has been criticized?  No.

Because most people understand that the universe and all its inhabitants did not spring into existence, fully formed—like Athena from Zeus’s head—with the Coming of the Obamessiah.

Yet, in Aisha’s simplistic fairy-tale land, this is the first time in American history that people have criticized an American president or cracked jokes about him and his family.  AND HOW DARE THEY DO THAT!!!!1!!!!

You know what?  I’ll give into the crazy and do her one better.  I’ll give her a conspiracy theory for the ages.  She doesn’t even need to give me credit for thinking this one up.  It’s free, just like the socialism and bailouts that her hero loves

There’s no objective evidence that “American history” is anything but a lie told by Teh Man to keep us down.

Once you break free of the Matrix-like computer simulation, like Aisha has, you’ll see that we’re still stuck in antebellum Mississippi, and the plantation owners are using our bodies to generate power for their decadence.  Obama is “The One,” and Aisha is there by his side, fighting off the faceless, Caucasian, Agent Smiths that roam the streets of the People’s Republic of Athens.

I fully expect to see this theory in the paper next week, sweety.  We’ll put it up next to your Obama shrine, if that’s okay with you.

Seriously though, I shouldn’t be surprised at Upton’s inanity.  Upton’s also the person who remarked in a comment on a fellow race-hustler’s letter to the editor, demanding to know

what special consideration do we get? Institutionalized racism? In case you haven’t noticed, EVERY administrative office is your administrative office, every week is your week.

To translate her Bobcat Goldthwait-like comment: one of the most progressive and liberal colleges in the nation, Ohio University, is still racist, because people who don’t look like her work in administrative offices.  In other words, an administrator’s ability to represent and work in the best interests of students is directly tied to the outward appearance of the administrator.

To drive the point home, Aisha believes that a person’s abilities and qualities are directly tied to the amount of melanin in their skin.

Post columnist Aisha Upton is a racist, but she’s the kind of racist that is acceptable in today’s culture.  The Reverend Jeremiah Wright-kind, the kind that seeks to divide people and prevent them from coming together and being American.

And if you disagree with me… well, you’re a racist.  So there.

(Crossposted at Southeastern Ohio’s only CPAC 2010-credentialed blog, Athens Runaway.)