I’ve read many theories about why various people hate Palin but the one I find most fascinating are the explanations to explain the republican women who relish attacking her. People (mostly men) are surprised at how much “nice” women relish attacking Palin.  Why, there most be a logical, reasonable explanation for it.  I’m here to say, no, it’s just the mean girls being mean.  Rush has been going on about this for awhile and some of his female callers have attempted to explain the Mean Girl phenom to him. The calls and emails are a hoot.

I love Ace of Spades HQ and find his site to be hysterically funny and insightful. Recently, Ace had a detailed and earnest post about his republican women friends. He insisted that they are not Rinos but can’t stand Palin. He earnestly explained how some people just appear to be stupid (unfairly or not) and how they have to prove that they are not stupid to “smart” people. Ace had suggestions on what Palin needs to do to win these women over. (And no, I don’t think Ace or the others hate women).  They just don’t get Mean Girls in the same way that Palin does.  She has succeeded despite the Mean Girls and will continue to do so.  You go, girl!!!

Since I am a heathen, I have no problem calling them out.  I shall explain the Mean Girl (and every woman has an inner Mean Girl) using Sarah Palin and the Fat Oprah theory of success.

I used to listen to the Jamie and Danny Bonaduce radio show on Star 98. Jamie was an attractive blonde woman that specialized in porn chic— i.e. she talked about how much she loved sex, developed her own line of sex toys, cheating on her ex, sleeping her way to the top, etc. So, of course, she was considered brutally honest and nothing was off limits for her. She also loved all things Oprah. She LOVED, LOVED Oprah! So one day during her Oprah love fest the issue of Oprah’s weight came up. Danny was shocked comma shocked when Jaime said she wouldn’t watch Oprah if she ever became skinny. She loves Fat Oprah, hates Skinny Oprah (This is Mean Girl 101). Oprah can’t be rich, successful, skinny and married. That would make her a B—H! If Oprah is fat, women don’t care that she’s rich and successful because “I’m better than her.” Fat Oprah can’t get her man to marry her so “I’m better than her.” If Oprah lost weight and got Stedman to marry her then she would be better than her audience and women would stop watching her show. Danny didn’t believe her and they opened it up to the audience.  Women called in to say how much they loved Fat Oprah and how in their secret heart of hearts they agreed with Jamie that they are better than Fat Oprah. They didn’t like her or watch the show when she was skinny (because then she was a preachy-know-it-all). Oprah is boxed in because her success is dependent on the Mean Girls because Fat Oprah’s core audience is women and gay men.  So long as she has chicken wings but no wedding ring, she is LOVED by women.

So now that you understand the Fat Oprah theory, lets apply it to Palin.

Palin enters the national scene: A former beauty queen appears rocking high heels and looking fabulous after five kids (which implies she has great sex, often) and 20 years of marriage to a HOT manly man who loves and adores her. Not only does she have a fabulous family but she has a great career that she carved out on her own due to sheer will and determination.

Question: How will she treated by the women “who are logically her natural constituency?”

–Male blogger: I am shocked. My female friends are not Rinos but they can’t stand her, so there must be something wrong with her. She must take their complaints seriously. How stupid of her to ignore them!

–Black Redneck: Hate her—I’m surprised that they don’t kill her. Thou shall not suffer a beautiful woman to be smart and happy, too. All over America, women are screeching “The B—H!!! How dare she throw her family and success in our faces?” Watch your back, Palin cause “nice” women will gut you at the first opportunity.

Now, I’m sure that there are some of you saying “ahah!! If you’re right, then Palin will never win them over and so she can never win the general election.” If politics only focused on womens’ issues or gay issues, then you would be right. Palin wouldn’t stand a chance. However, men and women (who can control their inner Mean Girl) are interested in politics. When men are watching, the first rule of Mean Girls comes into play: You can be petty and spiteful to anyone but you can never be PERCEIVED as petty and spiteful. Mean Girls get away with the Fat Oprah behavior because men don’t watch Oprah and their eyes glaze over when women start babbling about Oprah. But when you go outside of womens’ issues, then men do have independent knowledge and they can make their own assessment of situation. For example, men don’t care about women’s shoes and ignore all conversations about shoes. Since Oprah spends lots of time on womens’ shoes, the Mean Girls ruled. Oprah knows very well that her likeability is directly tied to her weight.  This is also why Palin could never be the next Oprah– can you imagine the screeching if Palin sat around talking about all the fabulous things she buys with all her fabulous money while showing off her 50 carat diamond earrings for her audience?  Bats would be wiped out all over the world.

Unfortunately for the Mean Girl, Palin is fabulous on issues that are important to men like the military, energy development, job growth, fishing and hunting. So once Palin starts campaigning, men and women will be able to evaluate her arguments. Then the complaints of the “nice” republican women will start to be perceived, not as “legitimate” concerns but, as the petty refusal of Mean Girls to support a beautiful woman simply because she’s hotter than you. Once that happens, just watch how quickly the “nice” republican women shut up and stop complaining about Palin.

Palin/West 2012