The Most Underrated Secret to Winning Elections
We’ve been doing it all wrong. Forget facts and real-life examples. Disregard the lessons of history. Nevermind statistics and “getting through to people” via logical arguments. Simply put, forget anything that makes sense. Stop playing chess because the other side is going to play checkers even if the pieces don’t match.
Remember when Boehner and Obama played golf together? Boehner looked all fuddy-duddy with his kaki shorts, slightly-protruding belly, and potential man-boobs. The President, on the other hand, appeared slick in his dark-gray pants, a cap, and a physique much unfuddy-duddylike. What about the first debate between Romney and Obama? Yes, the one where Obama was asleep. The preceding debates were a little better for the President, but he didn’t convincingly win any of them. Think about the Hollywood elite, people like Johnny Depp and Janeane Garofalo, and their aggressive stand against all things conservative.
What is the significance, you ask?
The reason conservatives can’t win is simpler than we imagined. Send the strategists home. Editors and columnists, put your minds at ease. What conservatives need to win is:
That’s right: If conservatives want to win, they must find a way to fool the American public into thinking they’re cool. Folks, Obama didn’t win one debate, yet he killed it in the election. He ran against a Romney who’d governed a state well, grew and guided many successful businesses, and had the academic credentials so admired by liberal “intellectuals.” Not to mention, Romney ran against Obama at a time when unemployment was almost 9% and the President’s greatest accomplishment at the time was having the courage and know-how to double the U.S. debt in record time. But it didn’t matter… because Romney is not cool. He has that awkward smile you can tell he worked on, he’s stiff as a board, wears mom jeans, and is rarely funny. Obama, on the other hand, smokes, brews his own beer, watches sports and says funny things. He’s cool. When he chuckles about something you can tell those patronizing laughs are ten times funnier and insulting behind closed doors. Jokin’ Joe is also cool. He always seems relaxed and he has those blinding-white horse teeth we’ve all grown to love.
Think about pundits in general. Wolf Blitzer has the whole Most Interesting Man Alive/Hemingway thing going on. Not to mention his name is Wolf. Then there’s Anderson Cooper who looks like a mannequin and is gay, and as we all know, there are few things cooler than being gay these days. There’s also the snarky and young Chris Hayes and the entertainingly condescending Rachel Maddow. Compare that to O’Reilly, who always looks like he’s having a stroke, or Hannity, whose constant whining makes me want to throw my television out the window. Conservative powerhouse voices like Rush and Levin are smart and even entertaining (especially Levin), but they’re not cool. They always seem angry… and they’re bald. We all know that only one white guy can be both cool and bald and I don’t think Bruce Willis is willing to represent the GOP in 2016. Sure we have Megyn Kelly, but nobody watches America Live for the commentary (maybe that’s what’s really behind her flipping out on Erick. “I’m more than a pretty face, gosh durnitt!”). Even our own Erick Erickson is uncool. He has that nasal-congested voice and he could stand to lay off a few burgers. Yes, we love him because he presents us with great ideas and facts in a compelling manner- and he occasionally says funny things- but he doesn’t have a beard. (Erick, for what it’s worth, you’re funnier than Rush and smarter than Hayes.) Our Hollywood representatives are old fogies like Jon Voight and Clint Eastwood, who instead of narrating documentaries and kickin’ butt as Jason Bourne, do things like talk to chairs.
Folks, we’re getting killed in the cool department.
I’ve come up with a few tid-bits on how to upgrade conservatives’ coolness image without changing ideology. First off, conservatives need to take up smoking. Secondly, all pundits need a bag of jokes, something to lighten up the atmosphere. Maybe a few knock-knock jokes and some three-easily-targeted-stereotypical-guys-walked-into-a-bar jokes. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if more conservatives grew a beard. My last suggestion is probably going to be the most effective.
Conservative groups should put their money in a sack and make a movie about Karl Marx. We’ll get Johnny Depp, or some other cool actor who hates America to play a Karl Marx who owns a small business (I figure we can convince Depp to play this role by promising that half the proceeds will go to countries that hate the U.S. The impact the movie will have will outweigh the proceeds we’ll lose to Iran and Egypt)). In the movie, Mr. Marx is a family man (Janeane Garofalo will play the wife (we’ll make her some absurd promise as well)), who works hard and pays his taxes. The plot thickens when his taxes get hiked and he sees his money going to support a government that caters to and favors dependent people who don’t want to work, while interrogating him with personal questions regarding his beliefs and visits by government agents to triple-check the safety conditions of his flower shop. As a result, Marx builds an organization and leads his community against all things unconstitutional. (Yes, Karl Marx will be a constitutionalist in the movie.)
Sure, the movie premise will be based on false assumptions. We know Marx was a man supported by people like Engels his entire life- he didn’t know the meaning of work- and his family often went hungry in their roach-infested apartment while Marx spent his life in the library. I’m sure he hated flowers too. But it won’t matter because we’ll have cool actors and cool scenes and, as we have concretely established, coolness trumps facts.
Folks, we must learn play checkers.
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