A friend who is a long time Republican activist, just told me how watching the presidential election play out on the cable networks is making her so anxious that she is now only watching The Food Network.
Has my friend discovered the “secret sauce” that will keep Republicans from going insane in the waning days of the 2012 election?
Possibly, because I know my anxiety levels are totally off the charts over the thought that President Obama might be reelected.
My head is clouded with dark prophetic visions of what this nation would look like in 2016 after a second Obama term. Have I developed a severe case of Obama Victory Anxiety Syndrome? (OVAS) Have you?
If you love this country and are truly afraid of “four more years” then take this simple test. If your score is high, than turn off the news and turn on The Food Network, Animal Planet, ESPN, or some other apolitical channel — for you too have developed the deadly OVAS.
Here is the official test for Obama Victory Anxiety Syndrome.
Indicate whether you agree or disagree with the following statements:
1. I have a strong desire to strangle family members who are voting for Obama.
2. I can no longer resist the urge to send nasty emails to friends or family who are supporting Obama.
3. I am trying not to scream, “You don’t get it” at the top of my lungs to any friend or family member planning on voting for Obama.
4. The mainstream media is involved in an open conspiracy to defeat Mitt Romney. You can watch them actually gloating over Romney’s “missteps” whether real or totally blown out of proportion by the mainstream media itself.
5. If Obama is reelected it will be “the end of our nation as we know it.”
6. I am tearing my hair out wondering why half of America is buying what Obama is selling.
7. Our president has taken a leave of absence while the world is spinning out of control.
8. I fill up my gas tank and wonder why Obama is not losing by 10 points.
9. Listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show actually calms me down.
10. If Republicans do not win back the White House in 2012 or the U.S. Senate, the Republican Party will go the way of The Whigs.
11. The average American does not understand why the National Debt Clock is our ticking time bomb.
12. Any voter who still blames President George W. Bush for our current economic crisis is misguided, but Bush is still hurting Romney’s effort more than any Republican cares to admit.
13. If Obama is reelected, conservatives can kiss the Supreme Court good-bye.
14. The “Republican Brand” has become toxic in the media and to the general public.
15. All the people I know under age 35 who are living in swing-states think Republicans are right-wing crazies and would never vote for one.
16. Obama can thank Saturday Night Live again for millions of extra votes
17. Every time I see an Obama bumper sticker on a parked car I can no longer resist the urge to leave a nasty note on the windshield.
18. I honestly wish Hillary were running for reelection, she only scares me half as much as Obama
19. “If Obama is reelected the American people will get what they deserve.” (This quote is from my 90-year-old father-in-law who is a retired spy from an agency I can not mention.)
20. “Americans are clueless.” (This quote is from the friend now only watching The Food Network).
If you agree with at least 15 of these statements than you will be declared a victim of Obama Victory Anxiety Syndrome.
Now, besides switching to The Food Network, here is another possible way to cope with OVAS. In the last week I have begun receiving various emails about joining “Forty Days of Prayer” groups. Faith leaders like Pastor John Hagee are sending out emails like this:
FORTY DAYS OF PRAYER
I am asking the Christians of America to join us in 40 days of prayer for this Presidential election. These 40 days of prayer will begin on September 28, 2012. You can do it individually or in groups, but prayer is the most powerful force God has given us to bring our nation back to righteousness.
But if prayer is not for you, then try America’s favorite happy pill, Xanax.
You can probably get it for free under ObamaCare.