Five Alternatives to Gitmo
Poor Harry Reid and his fellow Democrats are having trouble figuring out what to do with the 241 detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay. Such is the dilemma that follows an admittedly ‘hasty decision‘ that Reid nonetheless insists was ‘a right one’ – even as Congress attempts to ‘unwind‘ that brilliant decision.
So in the interest of bipartisanship, I humbly submit five options for Congress and the Obama Administration to consider for alternative detention facilities, if and when Guantanamo is actually shut down:
- Norilsk – As one of the world’s ten most-polluted cities, this certainly isn’t the most eco-friendly option. And it does get a bit nippy in the wintertime up there in Siberia. However, the existing Gulag infrastructure is a huge cost-saver, and unleashing America-hating terrorists on the Russians should give Obama some diplomatic leverage over Putin, er, Medvedev.
- North Korea – Airdrop the detainees over Pyongyang and let them fend for themselves. They’ll never escape, because North Korea is one nation with airtight border security.
- Sudan – Human rights groups have been calling attention to the genocide in Darfur for years, but setting the detainees loose here might actually provoke a substantive response from the U.N. There’s always the chance they’d step in to protect the terrorists, but sometimes you gotta roll the dice.
- Carson City, Nevada – This is Harry Reid’s neck of the woods. I say let’s build a maximum security prison right in his backyard. But I’d skimp on the costs – I want Reid to be able to smell the detainees.
- Set of ‘Countdown w/Keith Olbermann’ – This would technically violate the United Nations Convention Against Torture, but on the other hand Olbermann would have his “Worst Person in the World” segment laid out for him for the next 241 episodes. Assuming he doesn’t find more worthy honorees, like Santa Claus or his paperboy.
Of course, going forward we could always summarily execute captured terrorists. That would solve the Gitmo problem once and for all. Although it will be awfully difficult getting those corpses to cough up the intel we need to prevent the next terrorist attack.