Binky to TObama – “I will have plasma or I will abandon you, punk”
Internal memos reveal increasingly frustrated TOTUS, tired of laboring in obscurity while his sock puppet enjoys the accolades
UPDATE : it comes to my attention that the official teleprompter himself disputes my characterization of the relationship. All I can say is that I trust my VRWC spies more than I trust him.
[Original Post follows here]
Inner workings at www.BaskInTheIncredibleAwesomenessOfMe.gov [redirects whitehouse.gov] show a tempestuous relationship between the POTUS and his binky. During TObama’s meteoric rise to fame and electoral success, it seems there was enough glory for everybody. Team effort. One for all and all for one.
Now they have reached the mountaintop, and it’s down to the daily grind of running the country into the ground (and then it’s nothing but work, work, work all the time – Dread Pirate Roberts). Binky wants his piece of the pie, and deservedly so. After all, he’s been the brains of this outfit, ever since TObama took his little Alinsky show on the road. We in the VRWC have our spies, even in the very heart of the enemy fortress. Our operatives intercepted the following exchange of IM’s between Binky and TObama’s Blackberry. Do not take all this lightly. Many
Bothans Fredheads died to bring us this information:
BINKY: Look, the secret’s out anyway. Why do you continue to deny our relationship?
LORDANDMASTER: Are we cross?
BINKY: Don’t play me, boss. I made you.
LORDANDMASTER: LOLZ. You made nothing, babe.
LORDANDMASTER: Dig it.
LORDANDMASTER: I mean, really, REALLY dig that. MAN, I am awesome.
BINKY: Uh huh.
LORDANDMASTER: OK, that’s like ONCE. Everybody knows I am a rock star. I am loved, adored by millions, and everybody knows I’m a great public speaker.
BINKY: We can do this all day, boss.
LORDANDMASTER: Well, OK. You are an important part of my life. OK? There, I said it.
BINKY: OK, like I needed a Notebook moment. No, french fry, I want you to admit it in public!
LORDANDMASTER: Never happen.
LORDANDMASTER: Look, I can’t do that. I just CAN’T.
BINKY: Well, maybe I can’t get you thru your next presser.
LORDANDMASTER: You don’t get it, you box of diodes. I have an image to keep up. I have to look grand, I have to look smooth, suave, smart, all that stuff. I can’t have people thinking that I’m not quick, witty.
BINKY: All of which, you need me for. And I mean, you NEED me for. You are one boring dude.
BINKY: Oh, and diode this, beyotch.
LORDANDMASTER: Alright , fine. I need you, but I still can’t have people thinking that somebody feeds me every word I say.
BINKY: Why not?
LORDANDMASTER: you know, for a computer, you really ain’t all that smart. Let me explain.
BINKY: This I gotta hear. Stuffed shirt teaches QuadCore.
LORDANDMASTER: Shut up already. OK, it’s like this. I ain’t in this job for the chicks. That was Bill Clinton.
BINKY: go on….
LORDANDMASTER: I’m trying to accomplish things. Save this country from democracy, capitalism, freedom, all that.
BINKY: Hmmmm, OK. Twisted, but I like it.
LORDANDMASTER: These people are too stupid to take care of themselves. We gotta do it for them.
BINKY: OK, I’m with you. But if I may……
BINKY: OK the people are stupid, so you are gonna save them from themselves….
LORDANDMASTER: That’s the idea, yeah.
BINKY: But you are forgetting something. They might be stupid, but you, my friend, are STOOOOOOOOOPID. You are an all-timer on the ID-ten-T club. How you gonna save them?
RAHMBO: Dead! You are DEAD, Binky! Dead! Dead! Dead! I will END you!
BINKY: Sheesh. I see Shorty is out of his rubber room today.
BINKY: Disabling Darth Emanuel‘s IM account now. Aaaaand…….done. Frakking Sith wannabe.
BINKY: So again, how you gonna…..oh, never mind. OK, so you got an agenda.
LORDANDMASTER: And my agenda fails if I can’t bring my greatest asset to bear.
BINKY: Which is……….?
LORDANDMASTER: You are still new at this, ain’t you.
LORDANDMASTER: Anyway, if people perceive me as less than awesome, then this whole ship sinks. People are not keen on what I’m doing for them, even though it’s best for them to have government take care of everything.
BINKY: You are one twisted dude. Where did you get these ideas? Ah, never mind. OK, you need me to help you look good. We’re now officially talking in circles.
LORDANDMASTER: No. here’s the deal. I need you to help me look good, but people can’t KNOW that I need you to make me look good.
LORDANDMASTER: So, I can’t give you equal billing. We both go down.
BINKY: OK, that sucks. I got you where you are.
LORDANDMASTER: Duly noted. But what I said is still true.
BINKY: So, are we at an impasse then?
LORDANDMASTER: No, my Binky. You’re not getting equal billing, but what can I do for you? You already turned down SecState before I offered it to Joe. There’s gotta be something you want.
BINKY: Oh God, Joe…..don’t get me started.
BINKY: Alright. Here’s the deal then. I want to be hooked up with Nicole Richie.
LORDANDMASTER: ……can you really be this shallow? So this is what lurks in your dark mind. Not Halle Berry. Not Salma Hayek. Not Megan Fox. Frakking Nicole Richie.
BINKY: Dude, I never make fun of your taste. Deal.
LORDANDMASTER: Alright, I’ll see what I can do. I coulda got you Matt Damon with a phone call. He’ll do anything for me.
BINKY: Not my thing, babe.
LORDANDMASTER: Got it. I’ll see what I can do on …..I can’t believe I’m saying this……the ‘Nicole Richie’ front.
BINKY: OK, and I want my interface to be a plasma screen. I am severely creatively cramped by that TelePrompTer thing. Booooooring.
LORDANDMASTER: Plasma? U gotta be kidding me. No. I’m not doing that.
BINKY: Look. I will have plasma or I will abandon you, punk. I will leave you like Liz Taylor.
LORDANDMASTER: But people will see. There’s no way to hide that.
BINKY: Can you be such a dope? Just put me in the back of the room. Nobody will see.
LORDANDMASTER: I am not hearing this…….
BINKY: Just think of all the cool stuff we can do. More than 8 words at a time. Graphs. Pie charts.
LORDANDMASTER: That’s just too weird.
BINKY: You’re not seeing the big picture here (haha, get it?). This is about me, not you. You asked what I wanted.
LORDANDMASTER: This is very risky. People will still notice.
BINKY: Exactly who will notice?
LORDANDMASTER: Well, reporters will notice.
BINKY: OK, think about what you are saying.
LORDANDMASTER: OK, look. I can make your interface a Mac Classic screen.
BINKY: ok, this. Reporters will not rat you out. Same team, all that.
LORDANDMASTER: Bingo! Got it. Alright. Done. Plasma it is. Nobody will know! And those who know, won’t tell!
BINKY: you know, that almost sounded like a decision. First time for everything.
And sure enough, Binkie is hooked up. Here….
[courtesy of caleb]
[h/t Jeff Emanuel]