A response to : Dear Red States

We just can't let this one go by

Have any of you gotten the e-mail titled “Dear Red States”? It is a letter informing all of us living in the red states that the blue states intend to secede, and it has been making the rounds lately (just google it if you haven’t had the pleasure of reading it). Anyway, here is my response. Copy, paste and e-mail at will.

Dear Blue States:

We have received your letter, and must admit we were thinking the same thing. All this whining about “stolen” elections has finally gotten on our nerves (by the way, didn’t the New York Times count the Florida votes back in 2000? Any word back on that yet?). The fact that you are now blaming George Bush for everything from your burned toast to your wives spending too much time with the pool boy is also a factor in our decision. So, in short, thanks for bringing this whole thing up. We think “New California” is OK, but since we will be a separate country we are going to refer to you as “ObamaTown” from this point forward.

We are aware of what states this will include, and must admit that Hawaii will be a bit of a loss. In case you are not aware, slavery ended about 143 years ago, so saying we will get “all the slave states” is a bit behind the times. You have bragged about your institutions of higher education, so you really might want to slip that fact into the textbooks.

We are pretty well satisfied with our beaches, and since stem cell research has not really led to much of anything except wasted money we are OK with you keeping that too. We get to keep Dell, and Coca-Cola, and Delta and – well, you can look up the rest. We are definitely OK with you keeping Harvard, and we are happy to keep UVA, Duke, Vanderbilt and a whole host of other schools that are slightly less willing to inflate grades for trust fund children. While we are on the subject, you guys taking the whole Ivy League is great relief, because Ivy League grads came up with desktop underwriting, collateralized debt obligations and credit default swaps, and we were really worried they may be coming up with something else.

We understand that your divorce rate is lower than ours, but we would encourage you all (even heterosexuals) to actually try marriage sometime. It’s really not that bad, even with the whole commitment thing.

Anyhoo, we expected the whole anti-war and pro-choice stance. We thank your men and women for helping us win the Iraq War and the War in Afghanistan despite their mission being undercut and second-guessed by you. We also ask that you suspend your tradition of spitting on returning soldiers when your sons and daughters come home. There have been too many caskets – that is a fact. Freedom is never free, and we will choose, as always, to honor the sacrifices that all American soldiers have made instead of insisting that their lives of service have been a mistake. We’ll keep all our military bases and weaponry, and look forward to continuing to defend our freedom as opposed to delivering pizzas for the U.N.

Speaking of caskets, we would also ask that out of decency you begin to provide them for the piles of aborted babies that will surely be stacking up instead of dumping them all in the “Medical Waste” container. If a baby happens to survive an abortion, in lieu of leaving them on a shelf to die, please let us know and we will be happy to take them.

You have provided a bunch of other statistics, and we have taken a look at them. We are not sure we would count the Delaware River, Lake Michigan and the Hudson River as “fresh water”, but hey – it’s your country. Drink what you want. We have already made deals with the French for some really good wine and cheese (they sure are coming around these days!). Since we admit we are not the biggest wine and cheese consumers in the world – it can get a little effeminate, you must admit – we will keep the finest whiskey producers on the planet, as well as the best beef available. As far as the vegetables go, that stat is a little confusing since we grow quite a bit here too, but we just assumed that the Harvard grads came up with that one. Speaking of “slave states”, who’s picking all those veggies for you? Just asking…

As far as our belief in God, you have us on that one. We just don’t have the faith necessary to believe we came from nothing and are going nowhere, but I guess that’s just us. Please don’t look for help when you wind up at the Pearly Gates with some explaining to do – we’ll be inside. We will wave as the Big Guy hits the “down” button on the elevator, though.

Because we are a cordial people, we are not going to mention the statistics that indicate most blue state economies have been in the tank for a couple of decades now, and the related statistics regarding unemployment, and crime and – well, you know better than we do. As far as the bailout that the governors of quite a few blue states and mayors of blue cities have asked for recently, we regret to inform you that this is not really going to work for us. Best of luck with the whole bankrupt state / city thing, and we do hope you get the car business squared away. We especially like those trucks, but can get by with the Toyotas, BMW’s and Hondas they make here.

We also hope you have plenty of kerosene lanterns and batteries, because nearly all of the nation’s energy is produced in red states – oil, natural gas and coal. You know that satellite photo of North Korea at night? Looks like that will be in ObamaTown’s future soon (unless you decide to become a province of Venezuela). We seem to have plenty for us, though. Yippee!

On a related note, there is also the little issue of all the millions of people who have hauled ass out of the blue states and settled in red states – they’ll be coming back. There is also the matter of quite a few people who live in Key West and have asked to join you, but San Francisco has been very cordial and welcoming and we think that will go well. In case Pennsylvania and Ohio go red this year, we will pretty much have 100% of college football (you don’t think Texas, LSU and the University of Florida “stole” the national championships they won – do you?).

You can keep the earthquakes and wild fires and colonic therapy, we’ll keep the great food and culture. You can have all the transgendered and we’ll keep all the coeds of the great universities you seem to know so little about. Since 91% of your population believes 9/11 was an inside job, 83% believe Cindy Sheehan and Rosie O’Donnell are “smokin’ hot”, 59% believe L. Ron Hubbard sitteth at the right hand of God Almighty and 100% believe ten bong hits of California Gold makes you smarter, more attractive and a statistics whiz, we are OK with you leaving.

And one other thing – the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and Sarah Palin? Ours.

Eleanor Clift, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Maureen Dowd, Hillary Clinton and Andrea Mitchell? Yours. Definitely.

Thanks again, The Red States

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