Gitmo detainee problem solved!
Now here’s the best idea I’ve heard all day:
With the President ordering the closing of Guantanamo Bay, the question arises: what to do with the prisoners there?
Of course, there are some on the left that think they need to be released. This, despite ongoing reports of former detainees returning to terrorism.
However, let’s assume that the administration recognizes that the bad guys are bad guys and need to be kept locked up somewhere.
Some states are saying they don’t want them.
Distribute the Gitmo bad guys among those states which voted for Obama. Closing the facility was a major Obama campaign promise, and the new president wants his supporters to make active contributions to achieving the kind of change they believed in. Here’s their chance to become real agents of change, just like The One they worship. Sorry, red states. You’ll have to go without.
The formula for this redistribution of filth would be based on the number of electoral votes for each state which Obama carried. Under this scheme, California would get the lion’s share of the deranged detainees, but an Alcatraz makeover, complete with wide-screen plasma TVs and foot baths has been long overdue anyway. Runner-up would be New York, where Governor Paterson could pay for it all with a tax on pizza. Third place in the sweepstakes of terror would go to Florida, which may want to build a facility for holding their fair share of the maniacs in the middle of the Everglades, complete with an alligator-infested moat. Tied for fourth would be Pennsylvania and the president’s own state of Illinois. John Murtha has already said that his state would be happy to take some of the bloodthirsty killers, and it would make his district actually need a new maximum security prison. Just don’t tell the terrorists that it’s pork, okay, John? And in Illinois, after Blago has finished spilling his guts to Da Fitz, he could share a cell with someone who would only be too happy to spill his guts in the literal sense.
Sometimes the fairest solution is also the most elegant one. To paraphrase General George S. Patton, “Basil, you magnificent bastard. I read your book.”