Old And Busted: Donald Trump Wins On First Ballot. New Hotness: A Scorched Earth Convention
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The Obamobile is coming to a dealer showroom near you. Well, it may not actually be that near to you, now that GM (Government Motors) and CFUG (Chrysler-FIAT-UAW-Government) are throwing so many of their dealers under the bus. Say, this is a hybrid bus, isn’t it, citizen? But I digress. It’s only those in rural areas clinging to their guns and bibles who will have to drive to another town to find a dealer. But that’s their problem, citizen. The former Big Three Detroit automakers are now right where they deserve to be – under the thumb of The One who says, “I won!”
The Obamobile will be like no vehicle you’ve ever owned before. First, the good news. It will get much better fuel economy than the less hopeful, less changed competition, and it will belch fewer pollutants into the air. More good news – it weighs less than vehicles lacking the refinement of the Obamobile.
Now for the bad news. It weighs less than vehicles lacking the refinement of the Obamobile. There will be a minor period of adjustment until the ordinary vehicles are gone from our roads during which, if your Obamobile collides with an older, less nuanced vehicle, it collapses into a box roughly shaped like a coffin. But there’s a silver lining, citizen. You can be buried in your Obamobile, and there will be one less burial option your survivors will have to dicker over at the funeral home.
More bad news. The Obamobile will be more expensive than other vehicles which lack the advantage of having been conceived and built by a company owned and operated by the federal government. The Obama administration says all the hope and change built right into every Obamobile will make it cost roughly $1,300 more. Pay no attention to those private analysts who say the price jack will be much higher than merely 1300 bucks. Nothing to see here, citizen. Move along, move along. Besides, there is yet another silver lining. The automotive experts in the Obama administration say gas savings will make up the difference in about three years. See? It all comes out in the (car) wash, so to speak. Do not listen to that horrible Michelle Malkin woman, who calls the $1,300 price increase a “car tax.” Citizen, that is downright unpatriotic!
More bad news, but only if you really must have one of those wasteful pickup trucks or vans:
Eric Fedewa, vice president of global powertrain forecasting for the auto consulting firm CSM Worldwide in Northville, Mich., said the changes will make pickup trucks so much more expensive that they will be used almost exclusively for work.
Cheer up, citizen, for Obama sayeth:
“We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times … and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK.”
Remember, citizen, we must all make sacrifices for the other countries. No, really. It’s not for the labor unions or the environmental activist groups our Dear Leader is asking these things of you. It’s to change the opinion of those who live in other countries about us. What could be a better reason, citizen?
Besides, who really needs a pickup truck or a big van, anyway? Greedy small-business capitalists, that’s who. Hear them whine:
Dixie Bishop, who runs a plumbing business in San Antonio that uses vans, worries the new requirements will drive up her costs at a time when customers are cutting back on repairs.
“Are they going to take my horsepower down?” she asked. “I have to be able to carry old water heaters and toilets. It’s not beneficial for me to haul one water heater at a time. We need the power to pull these heavy items.”
That ungrateful and misguided citizen should have realized when our beloved First Lady in waiting told us that what her husband would demand of us would make us truly blessed:
“Barack will never allow you to go back to your lives as usual.”
So be of good cheer, citizen, and remember:
“It’s all uphill in an Obamobile.”