If you make fun of conservatives on the basis of their conservative beliefs, chances are you ain't one.
If you identify yourself on the basis of a trait that you acknowledge not to be conservative, chances are you are not one, as well.
If you actively encourage others to hold a viewpoint that you acknowledge not to be a conservative one, you're really on thin ice.
If you try to change the definition of conservatism to include something you acknowledge it doesn't include, you simply aren't a conservative.
Oh, and one other thing.
Reading is fundamental.