Let The Garment Rending Begin: Tuesday’s Vote Totals and Delegate Count Update Despair-a-thon
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There’s been a lot of confusion lately about Barack Obama’s religion, most of it fueled by scurrilous rumormongers, just as certain one day of his devotion to the tenets of Black Liberation Theology, as they are the next day of his allegiance to Islam. Some say the candidate himself has contributed to the confusion by issuing contradictory statements, shifting his alliances, and falling prey to slips of the tongue. The confusion, though, arises not from anything Obama has said or done, but rather, from the failure of people to understand his true religious affiliation. A little basic research reveals that none of Obama’s actions, statements, or adhesions to apparently mutually exclusive creeds need cause any distress. Under the auspices of the Sanctified Christian Zoroastrian Universalist Muslim church, (SCiZUM) antiquated concepts like truth, constancy, and steadfastness are recognized for what they are, vestigial organs of our unenlightened humanity, to be rightly cast aside with other arcane notions such as duty, sacrifice, and the Ten Commandments. Predeterministic Microscopic Abrogation, (PMA) a central doctrine of SCiZUM, teaches that enlightenment is not bound by temporal concepts of truth. PMA liberates the true believer from servitude to what has gone before, because what truly matters is that which is most important, and that which is most important is that which has happened most recently.
But I sense that I’m losing you, so let me slow down a little; it’s important that we all do our part to spread enlightenment.
Judeo-Christian notions of truthfulness have bound mankind ever since Adam and Eve first found themselves in hot water. We have all been taught that when God asked Adam, “What have you done?” Adam should have come clean. Somehow it was unmanly of him to say, “That woman you made for me did it,” and we’ve been paying the price ever since. That’s hardly fair.
Fairness is the central theme of Predeterministic Microscopic Abrogation. Because it is unfair that we should be punished for, or even limited by, things we’ve said or done in the past, enlightened acolytes of PMA know that what we said or did THEN, has no bearing on what we should to say or do NOW. The artificiality of words has no power to bind those of us who understand that the present abrogates the past – that what I’m telling you this moment, because it is newer, more modern, more completely up-to-date and therefore more perfect, is more pertinent and more important than what I said before.
Therefore, if, for instance, I have never demonstrated an interest in serving in the military, and if I have perhaps formed close and lasting relationships with people whose philosophies made them more likely to blow up recruiting stations than to enter one and sign up for service, there is nothing contradictory whatsoever if I were to say to you that I have always had the deepest respect for our armed forces, and seriously considered joining them at one point in my life.
Do you see the difference? Fallen mankind, out of his outmoded sense of duty to truth, and his antiquated understanding of time as having a linear nature, would feel compelled to note a contradiction in the scenario above. Believers, however, are free, unbound by the past and able say what is most important, when it is most appropriate (or convenient) to say it.
Like all true doctrines, PMA has exceptions, just as it has broad applications. First an exception: PMA is predeterministic, which is to say that its members are select, predetermined in advance, and set aside for holy purpose. Thus, while it is incumbent upon us all to understand and believe in PMA, not all of us are privileged to be practitioners. God saves whom He will save, and the rest are bound to eke out their miserable existences trying, and failing, to live within their old-fashioned notion of truth. Because these poor souls are CONstrained to SERVE the old notion of truth, we like to call them conservatives, whereas we, since we have been liberated from our bondage, refer to ourselves as liberals.
We liberals, while enjoying the benefits of PMA, are not without the responsibilities that are so often attendant upon privilege. It falls to us to discover and point out the shortcomings of conservatives.
You are perhaps by now (as you progress toward enlightenment) becoming aware of some of the broader applications of the church and PMA. Freed from the past, we can do or say whatever seems best for a particular moment. Imagine the power this provides for enriching peoples’ lives. We are free to reshape history, to retire the shabby past in exchange for shining legend. We can claim to be named after famous people, trace our lineage to ancient kings, or ennoble the story of an entire race, in order to improve the self esteem of its members. Most importantly, members of the church of SCiZUM in general, and Barack Obama in particular, are free to promise what should be promised, in order to generate hope, encourage people, and bring about a better world.
It is good to contemplate these benefits, but it does not pay to think too deeply about the mysteries of PMA. When we do, we are liable to fall into the mistake of Theoretical Reordering of Underlying Texts and Heresies (TRUTH) which leads its victims to conclude (falsely) that truth is absolute and unshifting, that words have meaning, and that ideas have consequences. It is much better to concentrate on the beauty of abrogation and to spread the good news so that everyone can become more like members of the media, or even Obama himself, in that we will be free to say or do whatever we like, without concern for the past – all, of course, in the name of securing a better future.