Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, today reiterated her claim that, in the case of alleged Islamist Abdulmutallib, the Homeland Security system worked, and that the incident surrounding his Christmas arrest had nothing to do with terrorism.
Mr. Abdulmutallib was not a so-called “terrorist” said Secretary Napolitano, encapsulating the word in hand gestures representing quotation marks. “Terrorism” she said, again making the quotation marks, “ceased to exist when President Obama was inaugurated. Even cases of man-caused-disasters,” she continued, “have declined dramatically since the President apologized for American imperialism and made it clear that he wants to have good relationships with everyone.”
Secretary Napolitano made it clear that the real threat to homeland security was right-wing Christian extremists and Civil War re-enactors. “Those people, with their fanatical insistence on home-schooling their children and their outmoded interpretations of the Bill of Rights – they are the ones about whom we are rightfully concerned, and I renew my vow to the American people that they will not prevail. Not on my watch.”
When members of the press continued asking about Abdulmutallib, Napolitano initially tried to laugh off their questions. “What,” she said, “Do all of you work for Fox News?” Columnist David Brooks took offense at this, and reminded the secretary of his behind-the scenes work for Obama’s Information Czar. By way of mea culpa, the Secretary agreed to answer “serious” questions on the matter. Mr. Brooks responded with, “What kind of pants was Mr. Abdulmutallib wearing? And if I could follow up on that, were the legs creased?”
After a series of questions concerning Abdulmutallib’s manner of dress, a reporter asked Secretary Napolitano how, if Abdulmutallib wasn’t attempting to blow up the aircraft, the Department of Homeland Security could explain passengers’ accounts of him bursting into flame.
“Spontaneous Human Combustion,” Napolitano said, “is a mysterious affliction, which modern science is only now beginning to understand. Previously thought to be a myth, SHC has recently proven to be real by scientists at the Department of Homeland Security. While we have gone a long way toward figuring it out, many questions still remain. We still don’t know, for instance, why 99% of documented cases involved young Muslim men, and why the other 1% consists solely of Buddhist monks. Rest assured though, that while our agents are working day and night to protect you from Christian extremists, our scientists are struggling to bring these answers to light.”
*Yes Janet. It's satire.