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CONFIDENTIAL to America

In lieu of a real post, I have a few personal messages to the people making news (or at the very least piquing my curiosity):

To the nice lady I saw at the Tax Day Tea Party wearing a “Huckabee 2008″ button: As a native Arkansan, let me assure you that Huckabee is the quintessential Arkansas politician — in other words, a Baptist socialist. Bill Clinton + Moral Character = Mike Huckabee. Methinks I smell the rotting corpse of the Republican Party all about him. If Huckabee really wants a vital role in the GOP, feed him a bag of Quikcrete and let him be a doorstop in Michael Steele’s office. Please, please do not indulge his fantasies of becoming The (New) Man from Hope. Oh, and 2008 is over, by the way.

To Keith Lewis, co-executive director Miss California USA: I know you said “Religious beliefs have no place in politics in the Miss CA family.” But as the Miss USA pageant system struggles to maintain its viability, you might want to reconsider recruiting atheist contestants to strut around in bikinis and evening gowns. Case in point.

To the Hollywood sheep piling on Carrie Prejean: We know that the idea of answering questions “off script” — like a pageant contestant — terrifies you. We, too, prefer that you refrain, especially on CNN. With that in mind, we’re happy to provide you with a new script, suitable for every situation. If you prefer to read it in treatment form rather than the full script, try this. Pay particular attention to Scene One, known to right wing extremists as: “The First Amendment.” Please be sure to study your lines before the next performance. Otherwise, shush.

To Perez Hilton: Your fifteen minutes are running out. Quick, change your name to “Suzyn Boyle” before it’s too late!

To personal friends of the UNC-Chapel Hill protesters: Kudos to you for befriending the campus heroes — students who cared enough to exercise their First Amendment rights by enthusiastically suppressing First Amendment rights. And while I’m intrigued by the paradox, I have more weighty matters to address. Kindly pass your protesting friends some hospital-grade disinfectant or perhaps a flea dip. I can smell the patchoulis from here. Hygiene is the new black.

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