Cownell alum Keith Olbermann has a tough job. Imagine going on TV every night and trying to outdo your own prior outrage. I mean, once you’ve called someone worse than the Nazis you really got nowhere to go but down.
So it is that, with the audacity of a dope, our intrepid Cownell grad Keith went on the air two nights in a row hissy-fitting that Dick Cheney was running an “assassination ring” out of his office. Yes, seriously. An “executive assassination ring” he called it. If you can’t picture old Keith getting worked up about writing this story then you don’t know him very well, and for that … my envy knows no bounds; count yourself among the blessed. For the rest of us, we’ve seen the clips and heard Olbermann’s nightly hyperventilation about … well everything, enough to know that he may have actually passed out a few times working on the “executive assassination ring” story. And with Dark Lord Cheney making waves anew, and Keith assiduously avoiding other news, it’s a cinch Olbermann has more “two minutes hate” for Cheney on the way.
So I thought, why wait? I did a little digging and uncovered something amazing: Keith Olbermann’s script for his next segment on the inner workings of Vice President Dick Cheney’s office. Many Bothans died to bring us this intel. And hey, I’m warning you, it ain’t pretty.
So, if you dare, click through to see the scanned copy of, du duh duhhhmmm … COUNTDOWN FROM BEYOND THE EDGE!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you tonight at great personal risk. For I bring to you the most shocking, nay, terrifying rundown of high crime and corruption at the top level of government. Crimes so heinous, so monstrous, it is hard to call the perpetrators men. Indeed it is with truculent resistance that I continue to refer to them as human beings in any sense of the word. [Breathe hard through nose. Pause. Camera two.]
Mr. Dick Cheney, I direct tonight, sir, this missive unto you. So monumental is your, sir, guilt, that indeed I was not able to confine my commentary to a Countdown, nor even, sir, the very Special Comment portion of my show for which such acts as yours I first, indeed, the segment designed, sir! So forthwith I bring you tonight’s “SPECIAL COUNTDOWN!” [Turn 180, camera 4. Look Angry!]
Mr. Vice-President, sir, if indeed my mouth is still capable of forming the title of that office while picturing your face, we cannot but stand against your abominations. I hereby heroically expose your vile Executive Assassination Ring, your filthy Executive Prostitution Ring, your disgusting Executive Smuggling Ring, your tasteless Executive stationery set, your quite fetching, though still unimaginably evil Purity Ring. It is my sacred duty as, sir, a being of truth and justice, as a defender, sir, of the very way of life enjoyed by humanity on this planet, indeed, sir, as a member of Oprah’s book club, it is my duty to speak the truth! [Pause. Look down. Turn and look up at camera one. Calmer.]
[Sincere voice (yes you can!)] It is you, Mr. Average American, that I give this list to, sir, with love and humility and above all, the single purest sense of journalistic integrity and skill ever to grace the airwaves. I present to you now, the definitive list of the ten greatest crimes committed by Dick Cheney and his White House mafia.
Number Ten on tonight’s Special Countdown, the Cheney crime syndicate is responsible for the following assassinations: Helen Thomas (whom they have despicably left at the White House as a message to other reporters to stay in line) Joaquin Phoenix (three words, hairy robot clone), Bruce Wayne, Miss Precious Perfect (I), JFK, RFK, MLK, OPP, TGIF, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Chancellor Gorkon, and our collective sense of wonder. [Camera 1]
The ninth item on our list of Cheney’s crimes against humanity: Cancer. [long pause. let it sink in]
[camera 7] Number eight, the outrageous outings of one Valerie Plame, one Deep Throat, both Ryan Seacrests and, perhaps most predictably of all, Canada.
[Camera 8. Be strong.] Number seven … this one time … at band camp. [Look down at hands. Visibly hold back tears].
Number six, the Cheney Cabal is directly responsible for the following Oscar snubs: Shakespeare In Love, Michael Moore’s “Sicko”, John Travolta for his divine turn as Edna Turnblad in “Hairspray”, Nancy Pelosi’s Capitol Cats video, Nuns on the Run, and, of course, Breakin II: Electric Boogaloo. That’s right. That was Cheney too. Now you finally know why the Boog never hit, at long last. [Pause, look down, look back up] You’re welcome.
[Camera 5 1/2] At number five on this top ten list of the macabre, Cheney’s League of Villains and Thursday night bowling team were the masterminds, sir, behind the following Knighting snubs (I have attached the honorific as it ought to have been in keeping with the spirit if not, indeed, the letter of the sacred rites of Knighthood]: Sir Sean Penn, Sir George Clooney, Sir Michael Moore, Sir Miss Precious Perfect (II), Sir Jeff Probst, Sir Downtown Julie Brown (oh that accent), Sir Tommy Christopher (I know, I don’t know who that is either, that’s how bad Cheney is!), Sir Miley Cyrus and, worst of all, Sir Hannah Montana. Oh, and at least one Ryan Seacrest. Mr. Dick Cheney, sir, have you at last not rid yourself of the lack of the decency to know who should be given the tile of sir, sir? Of course you have not the absence of that lack, sir. Were it your decision you’d have dubbed Sirhan Sirhan sir, sir, would not that be, indeed, not so?
[long pause. Switch to camera two, but it’s a fake-out, switch back to camera five, but then have it pan slowly left and suddenly you’re on camera four. Awesome!]
Number four on this continuing enumeration of human misery, pain, and misfortune at the hands of that incarnate evil, Darth Cheney … that smell in my kitchen.
[Camera 3.14159] Number three, the Cheney Brotherhood of evil mutants is directly responsible for the following personal job snubs … jobs which I was qualified and indeed overqualified for: Alan Colmes slot on Hannity and Colmes, Rosie’s spot on The View, Jewel’s spot on Dancing with the Stars, intern in Clinton White House (I applied in August 1998 and never heard back, Dick), DM in my weekly D&D group (curse you Tucker Carlson), “Obama” in my Second Life Obama Campaign Historical Reeanctment Society (curse you Joy Behar), my elementary school hall monitor ( … curse you Tucker Carlson), chief Financial Officer at Lehman, and, in the worst crime of all, I remain denied an Obama administration appointment. I mean, look, there’s like, 87 spots recently left vacant due to appointee scandals. Seriously, throw me a bone here.
[Look pointedly at camera. Consider sighing or saying yeesh.]
Number two … and indeed it is a fitting number … Mr. Cheney and his gang of hard-knocks-tough, cockney-accented, Dickensian street urchins are responsible for deliberately confusing over 800 tax attorneys to discredit Obama’s appointees. They furthermore systematically caused appointee after appointee to commit criminal acts, lie on official forms, or otherwise embarrass themselves in Cheney’s relentless campaign to make the first few weeks of Obama’s
[long pause for dramatic buildup. Shuffle some papers. Look thoughtful. Wait 3 minutes, scratching occassionally with middle finger.]
And, now Mr. Cheney, peace be upon you, at long last, it has come down to this. [camera 1]. I now expose to the world your number one crime, peace be upon you.
You, sir, peace be upon you, are worse than Hitler’s brain in a radioactive killer shark on PCP posing as a “female” prostitute in West Hollywood that one summer when I was 19.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I rest my case. Good night, and Good luck. [Smile, but not too much. You just pwned. Let it simmer. When you get to the dressing room, it’s chocolate time. You earned it.]
And there you have it. I expose this script to you, gentle readers, at no small risk to myself … aw crap, I was overexposed to our intrepid Cownell grad and now I’m starting to sound like him. Do acid baths hurt?
Consider this an open thread.
– Caleb Howe