Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you tonight at great personal risk. For I bring to you the most shocking, nay, terrifying rundown of high crime and corruption at the top level of government. Crimes so heinous, so monstrous, it is hard to call the perpetrators men. Indeed it is with truculent resistance that I continue to refer to them as human beings in any sense of the word. [Breathe hard through nose. Pause. Camera two.]
Mr. Dick Cheney, I direct tonight, sir, this missive unto you. So monumental is your, sir, guilt, that indeed I was not able to confine my commentary to a Countdown, nor even, sir, the very Special Comment portion of my show for which such acts as yours I first, indeed, the segment designed, sir! So forthwith I bring you tonight’s “SPECIAL COUNTDOWN!” [Turn 180, camera 4. Look Angry!]
Mr. Vice-President, sir, if indeed my mouth is still capable of forming the title of that office while picturing your face, we cannot but stand against your abominations. I hereby heroically expose your vile Executive Assassination Ring, your filthy Executive Prostitution Ring, your disgusting Executive Smuggling Ring, your tasteless Executive stationery set, your quite fetching, though still unimaginably evil Purity Ring. It is my sacred duty as, sir, a being of truth and justice, as a defender, sir, of the very way of life enjoyed by humanity on this planet, indeed, sir, as a member of Oprah’s book club, it is my duty to speak the truth! [Pause. Look down. Turn and look up at camera one. Calmer.]
[Sincere voice (yes you can!)] It is you, Mr. Average American, that I give this list to, sir, with love and humility and above all, the single purest sense of journalistic integrity and skill ever to grace the airwaves. I present to you now, the definitive list of the ten greatest crimes committed by Dick Cheney and his White House mafia.
Number Ten on tonight’s Special Countdown, the Cheney crime syndicate is responsible for the following assassinations: Helen Thomas (whom they have despicably left at the White House as a message to other reporters to stay in line) Joaquin Phoenix (three words, hairy robot clone), Bruce Wayne, Miss Precious Perfect (I), JFK, RFK, MLK, OPP, TGIF, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Chancellor Gorkon, and our collective sense of wonder. [Camera 1]
The ninth item on our list of Cheney’s crimes against humanity: Cancer. [long pause. let it sink in]
[camera 7] Number eight, the outrageous outings of one Valerie Plame, one Deep Throat, both Ryan Seacrests and, perhaps most predictably of all, Canada.
[Camera 8. Be strong.] Number seven … this one time … at band camp. [Look down at hands. Visibly hold back tears].
Number six, the Cheney Cabal is directly responsible for the following Oscar snubs: Shakespeare In Love, Michael Moore’s “Sicko”, John Travolta for his divine turn as Edna Turnblad in “Hairspray”, Nancy Pelosi’s Capitol Cats video, Nuns on the Run, and, of course, Breakin II: Electric Boogaloo. That’s right. That was Cheney too. Now you finally know why the Boog never hit, at long last. [Pause, look down, look back up] You’re welcome.