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RS

FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

Take THAT America!

rushmore

The Obama administration is taking their ball and going home. In the wake of the (sort of) government shut-down, Americans from sea to shining sea are feeling the pinch. At least, we assume the sea is shining after the (sort of shut-down) government moved to close it. Yes the pain of a (sort of) closed government is being universally shared. With unattended open-air monuments, giant canyons, mountains, lakes, forests, roads and highways, and even critical websites boarded up and hid from view, the (semi-) closed state of our government is more noticeable, more annoying, and more finger pointy than ever before. And amid this closedpocalypse, the heroic democrats are here to tell you that the ouchies are all thanks to republicans taking you hostage with guns. Why, just yesterday John Boehner himself took over a bank and demanded a bus and nude photos of Bea Arthur. And we wouldn’t know about this evil without the Obama administration cleverly turning off all the lights, that the darkness might illuminate it.

Now, some say closing nature, structures, infrastructure, and internet goes too far. Well I say it doesn’t go too far enough. So below, please find my humble suggestions for other ways in which Obama’s (sort-of) government can make sure that every single American gets the pointed stick.

clifford

Put Clifford In The Pound

Clifford the Big Red Dog remains one of the most popular characters on television for the tiny tykes demographic. Democrats should immediately get this Public Broadcasting titan locked up. Kids can tune in and watch Clifford whimper and whine while waiting for the bad man to come take him to the sleepy room. This can also be used to teach kids about death panels so they are prepared for Obamacare. Sad and informed. Win win!

moonlanding

Hide History

Museums are already shutting down. But people can still look at history through other outlets. We should shut down history altogether. Hide it, disguise it, rewrite it. Want to learn more about the Statue of Liberty? Sorry, never heard of her. Remember the Alamo? What is that, some kind of band? We learn it in schools and we see it in public museums and monuments, so shut it down. After all, we’ve always been at war with Eastasia.

Cancel Halloween

When you take your kids trick-or-treating, how do you get from house to house? Roads and sidewalks. And who built them? Government. Who decides where candy corn goes on the food pyramid? Government. Who employs the most witches, ghouls, zombies, and Pelosis? Government, baby! Shut it down. The Kids for Kandy and Slutty Costume Chicks lobbies alone are sure to raise hell, so to speak.

Close The Border

When people cross the border into our nation illegally, the government has to step up and provide money, personnel, resources and more to support … wait, my democrat advisers are saying something … Um. Nevermind about the border. It’s cool. Let’s move on.

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Stop All Prayer

We’re one nation under God. Well if the nation is (sort of) shut down, then so is God. The administration should organize a task force to patrol the nation and look for people who are praying and put a stop to it. Also people muttering under their breath, looking at the sky plaintively, or clasping their hands in a suspicious way should get Gitmoed. I mean, let’s face it, democrats have been itching to do this one for years anyway, so let’s get going and stop supplication now!

So come on Obama, bring on the real pain. Let’s teach those hostage-taking, gun-toting, line-dancing republicans a real lesson. I’m super serious y’all! (Sort of.)

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