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Government Wants to Protect Your Neck

Rep. John Boehner recently requested from President Obama a list of any pending regulations that would cost business $1 billion or more.

Interestingly enough, Obama did as requested and some of the more egregious regulations have been making waves.

While they’re all expensive and ridiculous, one particular regulation put another chink in the armor of an administration that I have said before, seems intent on bankrupting the American auto industry.

Four proposals from the Environmental Protection Agency had the highest projected costs. The other $1 billion rule, proposed by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, would require rear-view cameras on cars. NHTSA was required to write that rule under a 2008 law passed by Congress.

As the owner of a vehicle that has this feature, I can assure you that is no safer or easier to use than standard rear view mirrors or, as passé as it may seem, turning your head around to see where you are going.  I suppose it’s possible that, in spite of previous positions, they’ve decided they like necks now and want to protect yours.

Besides, who cares if it drives up vehicle prices by about $200 per car?  It’s just money and as we all know, that’s totally printable (it’s made of paper!).

Sometimes I feel like the president thinks that the auto industry is his personal “You build it!” website feature that you see on automobile websites.  He’s already decided he wants an electric car or at least a car that gets at 50 mpg minimum.  Now he wants to throw in some rear view cameras for safety.  Why stop there?

Here’s what I propose that our nanny-masters add to their list in the name of safety:

Navigation System - We can’t have citizens getting lost.  Do you know how many people per year get lost and how many deaths that leads to?  Well, neither do I but I’m sure it’s more than one.  In Obama’s America, one lost person is too many.  Also, it should have Morgan Freeman’s voice. People listen to him.

iPod Jack – This is a no-brainer.  How many wrecks are caused by people switching CDs and radio stations?  No more.  Now they can create car playlists that keep their hands safely on the wheel and their eyes on the road.  For the sake of our children, Barack Obama must force car companies to include this feature.  In fact, he may want to go ahead and throw in the iPods themselves as well, just to be safe.

Premium Sounds System – For those rare moments when we do use our radio, don’t we need to make sure that we can hear our dear leader speaking? Can’t do that with run-of-the-mill factory installs.  Only the good stuff will project how clean and articulate he is.

Hands Free Communication – It’s ridiculous and arcane that we still have people using their hands to do things in cars.  Since they can’t be bothered to do a 100%, wholesale upgrade on their own, government must force the auto industry to stop allowing people to use their hands to steer and adjust mirrors. Hands-free isn’t just for avoiding people making phone calls using their icky dial pad. We gotta think BIG!

Leather Interior - It’s fire proof…or something. (No animals were harmed in the writing of this suggestion.)

Sun Roof - Is there some other way that you can think of that’s better at getting America to use their air conditioners less, thus lowering the sea levels with all of the environmental good of having the A/C being turned off?  Plus, what if you were trapped in a car that was being covered in sand after an earthquake and you couldn’t get out, and Superman and you were no longer on speaking terms so he couldn’t rewind the earth to save you?? WHAT THEN, MR. PRESIDENT???

Wood Scanner – There’s got to be some way to prevent illegal wood from ending up in your vehicle.  This will protect us to degrees that we’ve never imagined.  Like, ever.

Stop-Smoking Ashtrays – Ashtrays that not only don’t open, but remind you that smoking can be dangerous. Smoking causes cancer. (However, if you ask the ashtray what gov’t will do if everyone quits smoking and the cigarett tax disappears, it causes a paradoxal loop that results in the ash tray exploding.)

Exploding Ash Tray Containment System - Self-explanatory

Tinted Windows- The sun causes cancer.

Bullet-proof Glass- Bullets cause cancer.

If you have any other ideas, please submit them to the president so that we can finally all have the high end luxury cars that we need to protect ourselves with.

Together, we can make sure that no American is ever lost, too hot, suffering with less than optimal sounding music, using their hands or, God forbid, turning their neck around to see what’s behind the car.

Change has arrived!

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