Using the Cloak of Invisibility and Sigmund Freud’s pocket watch, I was able to enter Iran and hypnotize Ahmadinejad to see exactly what he has in mind for Iraq.
I: So tell us how you were able to effect a U.S. withdrawal with no troops left behind to ensure stability in Iraq.
A: As you know, we have funneled money into Iraq to opponents of the Zionist Americans and their lackeys in the Iraqi government. Since this is the Middle East, divide and conquer is an easy technique: Iraq is a collection of tribes all waiting to sharpen their knives on each other’s ribs! We advised the Sadrites to use parliamentary procedures to ruin the Status of Forces Agreement, which our peace-loving friend Obama was happy to see go down to defeat. We know that he must say cruel things about us now and then: we understand this.
But we know he wants us to dominate the Zionists: the SOFA dispute was a convenient ploy to allow friend Obama to withdraw his troops.
I: A ploy? Can you explain this?
A: We understand that he is no real friend of Israel (the conservatives in the Jewish press understand this, but fortunately for us many Jews with their Leftism are prevented from realizing this) and that he approves of me: how else to explain his silence when we suffered difficulties from those silly protests in June 2009?
So friend Obama ignores the advice of his own Pentagon to keep thousands of troops in Iraq because of a SOFA dispute about giving immunity from prosecution to U.S. troops! This sounds like the Iraqis are being headstrong and arrogant. But you see, no such immunity for the U.S. military exists, for example, in Qatar! And that is a place where they take their, how do you say it, “R and R,” when they might need such immunity!
So, yes, it is a convenient ploy for fooling those who do not look past the surface.
I: What is this rumor about co-operation with Turkey to carve up Iraq?
A: Well, we have already co-operated in Kurdistan: you remember those incursions we made in June 2010? To be sure, it was only a few miles deep into Iraq, but friend Obama did nothing, of course. We Iranians and the Turks: we are still the outsiders ethnically, you see, when it comes to Arabic Islam. This is why the Saudis dislike us so much: we are Shi’a Muslims, and speak Farsi (Persian). They are Arabs and practice Salafi-Sunni Islam.
The Turks of course are not trusted by anyone! They also are Sunnis, but the decades of liberalization have watered them down. We will co-operate with both eyes open and knives in both hands: the last thing we both want is a Kurdistan with oil money, or an Iraq with oil money.
I: So…when do you invade Iraq?
A: The old cliche’ is “Timing is everything!” If Iraq will not fall, it at least will fail: the question is how. We have a good number of Iraqi politicians in our pay. We can hollow out Iraq from the inside, until our nuclear program is complete.
I: Why is Iraq connected to your nuclear program?
A: Iraq is our key to Israel. With bases there – or at least overflight and refueling permission – we can achieve our dream of vaporizing the hated Jews! This will give us dominance in the Islamic world, despite our not being Arabs. The Saudis will be helpless before us.
But you see, if Iraq is our key to Israel, it is also Israel’s key to us! Any Israeli plans to bomb our nuclear facilities would need Iraq’s permission to use their airspace. Of course, Maliki seems hostile to Israel, and would not give any such permission. With the U.S. gone, thanks to friend Obama, we know that our people in the Iraqi government will prevent any such permission from ever being given.
But Maliki may not give us access for an attack on Israel: such is the pride of independence!
I: So you are after the oilfields and some military bases: you do not want all of Iraq?
A: The Iranian Revolution must be spread, but it is not greedy!
I: And so…the timing?
A: We follow American politics closely. Friend Obama’s days seem numbered, this is clear. A decision to re-deploy thousands of Americans to Iraq could be done by a new president. So any seizure of Kurdish areas will need to happen between late November 2012 and January 2013. Any coup d’etat by our allies inside the Iraqi government would need to happen at the same time. It is also possible that our people will simply be “elected” in the next Iraqi ballot.
(He winked at me oddly at this point.)
I: And Israel’s destruction?
A: That would be telling too much!
I: Please stare at the watch and answer the question!
A: Our scientists are working hard to complete a few nuclear devices: with Allah’s help, their holy work will be ready before 2013. With America neutered militarily and economically after 4 years of friend Obama, that will be our goal. The Americans will have no appetite for a war with us: they will not be able to afford a war with us. We will cut off their oil from the Saudis and ruin both countries.
Israel will be a smoldering ember anyway: what good would it do the U.S. to attack us? It would not bring Israel back to life! Americans will understand this, and will shrug and accept their new role as a neutered former superpower. A new president, no matter how belligerent, will see how worthless and stupid it would be to challenge us.
I: Do you have any idea why Israel has not attacked your facilities yet?
A: Friend Obama does not support such an attack: the Israelis would need American aid for an act of war like that. Obviously they do not have it. The mechanics and politics of having Israeli warplanes flying over Saudi or Iraqi or Turkish airspace would be difficult for a warmonger like W. Bush! But for a peace-lover and golfer like friend Obama, it is just of no interest.
At this point the watch stopped spinning, and Ahmadinejad jumped up and said he really needed a shave, but that, somehow, the timing was not quite right.