Coffee with Joe
Is it all right if I call the Vice President of the United States “Joe”? Out of respect for the office that John Adams once called “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived,” I would say, “no, we should refer to Joe as “Mr. Vice President,” or perhaps “Mr. Vice.” However, in his recent fundraising email to me, he signed it “Joe”, so I suppose it’s all right. Incidentally, is there a more perfect fit in government than Joe Biden and the Vice Presidency? He’s in a place where he’s incapable of doing any real harm, leaving that burden for heavyweights like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. Microsoft has a better chance of outselling the iPad than Biden has of casting a tiebreaking vote in the Senate, which leaves plenty of time for him to compose stirring, inspirational emails encouraging the legions of rabid Joe Biden fans to make sacrifices for the cause of Making Things Fair.
Here is one such missive:
Election Day will be here in less than four months. And we’re facing a big problem right now that could directly affect the outcome that day.
The Romney campaign and the Republicans raised $100 million in the month of June alone. That is a massive sum.
Just wait until they start spending all that money in full force in key states we need to win.
Folks, here is the simple reality: Building this campaign today is more important than it was a few days ago. We can still win even while getting outraised by these guys. But we’ve got to keep it close.
That means none of us — not one — can wait to make a difference right now, with whatever we can afford to chip in:
A little incentive: A donation before midnight tonight will also automatically enter you for the chance to sit down with me for a cup of coffee sometime soon. We’ll fly you out, and you can bring a guest.
And really — thanks, for whatever you’re able to give today.
First of all, it’s good to know that Joe is aware that 100 million dollars is a massive sum. Massive sums of that sort deserve careful consideration, which is why, after careful consideration, he called the 940 billion dollar (at the time) “Affordable Care Act” a big deal.
It’s a far more massive sum than the 100 million dollars he’s warning his Rabid Fans about in his email. People with as much experience in government as Joe Biden has are quick to recognize massive sums. Massive sums are what the government is all about. After all, spending massive sums that one doesn’t have is a surefire way to head off economic disaster.Or, as Joe tells it:
Now, people when I say that look at me and say, ‘What are you talking about, Joe? You’re telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt?’. The answer is yes, that’s what I’m telling you.
Joe wants to make sure that all his rabid fans know that the Romney Machine is raising money faster than a Fighter Jet on Biofuel. But Joe is a longtime government official, and he knows exactly what to do. What Joe wants is for all of his rabid fans to chip in and counter that massive sum with suitcases full of cash in three dollar increments, and he has a brilliant plan for how to spend that money, too.
He’s going to take that money, and fly some lucky Rabid Joe Biden Fan across the country, put that person up in a nice hotel…and have a cup of coffee with him or her.
I went ahead and looked up some package deals on Orbitz, to see some ballpark figures on how much it would cost to fly a person out and put them up in a hotel for a Coffee Summit.The deals ran from a a cheap 398 dollars to a pricey 778 dollars. Of course, I did mine conservatively, assuming that a Rabid Joe Biden Fan would cut off his own hand before sharing the glory of Joe’s presence with another human being. Therefore, the 338-778 dollar range is for one person, not the two that is advertised in the email.
So to recap, here’s the plan:
1) Take in money to counter a massive fundraising advantage by the Romney Machine, but do it in ridiculously small increments.
2) Rake up all those dollar bills and quarters and dimes and put them in a sack.
3) Take that sack to the travel agent, and purchase a plane ticket and a hotel room for a person who is already a shoo-in to vote Democrat, because he or she already CONTRIBUTED MONEY to the campaign.
4) Have a cup of coffee with this person, and then send him or her home.
As an outsider, I really can’t understand how a person could read this email, and think “Hey, yeah. That could be me! Heck, I only live seven and a half hours from the airport. After that, a four and half hour plane ride, with all the requisite greenhouse gas emissions, TSA groping, airline taxes, hotel gratuities and finally, COFFEE. Not breakfast, not lunch, not a beer with maybe a Nathan’s Hot dog. Just coffee. But hey, Coffee with Joe! Then I’d get to enjoy the crowds, the embarassingly thorough TSA searches, and the greenhouse gas-emitting goodness of a Union Built Boeing 737 for four more hours, followed by another seven hour bus ride! Here’s my money! Heavenly Father, smile upon my three dollars and grant me this one, tiny insignificant wish.”
Now, if that person had $40,000 to blow on the President’s re-election campaign, he’d probably have his choice of beverages. There would probably a nice fruit tray thrown in as well.