Live from the Acropolis, it is the most monumental night with the most monumental event with the single most monumental person in human history: Barack Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention. The stars will be out tonight, both washing the chosen one with their illuminating warmth from their celestial seats, as well as in the audience as part of an awe-inspiring roster of people that make Andrew MackNair’s acid reflux flare up. Including:
* Oprah Winfrey* Stevie Wonder (who can’t see why anyone wouldn’t vote for Barack. Get it?)* Cicely Tyson (who is, apparently, still alive. Kudos Cicely, Kudos)* Ben Affleck (known for his history of supporting winning political candidates, truly, the Jimmy “The Greek” of political handicapping)* Sheryl “See Andy, you can hate someone more than Drew Barrymore” Crow
What a list! Enough with the glitz and glamour, let’s get to the hardcore, spontaneous excitement of a modern political convention!
Horatio Sanz Governor of “The Great State” of New MexicoMr Richardson, I’ve just learned is his name, has acquired tonight’s prime speaking spot through tireless dedication to the Obama campaign since the moment he abandoned a failing Clinton campaign to which he had previously displayed tireless dedication. His speaking tonight is also advantageous for event planners who are using it as an opportunity to test the structural weight bearing limitations of the stage before Barack is delivered to the stage via 18 wheeler (ba-dump-bump). Mr. Richardson brought up a point that I have been meaning to talk about all week, and I thank him for the reminder: labor unions. My god in heaven, please someday grant me the omniscience to understand how not just one, but a SERIES of politicians can in one moment whine about American factories closing down and then the very next moment praise the fucking Teamsters Local 1033. Listen, if you are all for Labor Unions, have at it I have no problem with it, as my current status as a college student in New England exposes me very rarely to the miseries of industrial decline. I personally don’t like labor unions, but if someone offered me $28 an hour with 117 sick days a year to turn a screw driver, I’d be hard pressed to say that would be something I would turn down. However, it is mind-numbing as well as infuriating how people can’t cognitively reconcile that when union member and menial laborer Joe Sixpack is demanding $27/hour and health care for life for him, his entire family, and a cadre of acquaintances, well then it’s probably just a little easier to move the factory to Taiwan instead paying an entire factory full of Joe Sixpacks. So, so god damn infuriating.
RANDOM THOUGHT: Was Mr. Boston Brand Vodka named after Ted Kennedy, or is that just a happy coincidence?
Al Gore Former Vice-President, An Inconvenient HumanI woke up last night in a cold sweat with a gasp as a result of my lingering concerns about the impending crisis of ‘climate refugees.’ What are climate refugees you ask? According to Al Gore they are possibly the greatest national security threat we face, they are people that are going to emigrate from their home countries and flood the U.S. Borders (let’s get some razor wire on that fence, boys) as a result of Global Warming (or cooling. Whichever one it is this week. Ummm, there was a frost in Minnesota this week, so let’s call it Global Cooling) making their home lands uninhabitable. Truly a terrifying imminent reality from America’s pre-eminent authority on bankable sooth saying. By the way, let’s take a moment and recognize Al Gore’s achievement in the category of “instances of prolonged bitterness.” Truly a wonderful achievement Albert, even the Confederate states came to terms with their defeat in a more reasonable time frame. Kudos galore in this blog. Let’s get to the cold hard facts though about Global Warming (or cooling) and realize that during the course of Al Gore’s speech:
* 119,876 Polar Bears drowned as a result of melting glaciers* The United Kingdom entered, and subsequently left, a minor ice age* A polar ice shelf the size of Canada melted away, making the salinity of the Earth’s oceans comparable to that found in an oh-so refreshing bottle of Dasani (always looking for sponsors)
These are facts people, and Al Gore will be happy to tell you about them in person as whenever he isn’t at his mansion that uses more energy than the town I live in he is flying around in his private jet to various global speaking engagements to lecture people like you about your energy consumption. If Al Gore found out that you left the freezer door ajar last night he would punch you in the throat and not think twice about it.