Dear Mr. President,
I have been following the health care debate for the past couple of months and wanted to take this opportunity to offer you some advice. It has been my observation that the reason you are failing to win support for your plan, is that you have been unable to concisely convey your true intent. So as a fan, and somewhat of a math enthusiast, I have made it my mission over the past few weeks to give you a hand. You will be happy to know that, after much toil, I have come up with a simple mathematical equation that sums up your health care strategy for America quite nicely. I call it the Government Health Account (GHA) model. The GHA model embodies all the principles that, I believe, your administration is committed to uphold. To that end, I believe that it will undergird your public “option” very effectively. Well, that being said, without any further delay, here is the GHA model:
[(EL x ATR) - (CPP + CCO)] x GBM = GHA
EL = The estimated productive life of a Revenue Production Unit (RPU). NOTE: Under the old health care model RPUs were known as human beings.
ATR = The annual estimated tax revenue at state and federal levels for the RPU.
CPP = The cost of the procedure and follow-on prescriptions associated with the procedure.
CCO = The cumulative cost already owed from previous procedures and not yet remunerated to the government through the RPU’s tax revenue generation. It will be calculated on an annual basis and maintained as part of the RPU’s medical record.
GBM = Green Bonus Multiplier. This will be a floating point multiplier between 0 and 2 and will be based on each RPU’s impact on climate change. These multipliers will be calculated annually by the Government Green Health Board (GGHB) and will be looked up on an approved schedule by members of Government Review Boards using the GHA model. Its value will depend on a number of factors, developed by Van Jones, which are way too complex for normal “White Oppressors” to understand.
Here is an example:
Bill is 50 years old and has gone to his annual public health screening. He has only eaten government approved foods, is relatively healthy, only moderately flatulent, and drives a hybrid. He has been informed by his doctor that he has a hernia that requires surgery costing $15,000. Based on current longevity schedules Bill is expected to live to 73 and will, on average, retire at 65. He makes $100,000 per year and has only had one other government provided procedure the prior year, a colonoscopy, costing $3,000.
Based on this information, Bill's GHA calculation would look something like this:
[(15 x 42,000) - (15,000 + 0)] X 1.12 = 688,800 GHA
Bill is going to pay taxes of 42,000 per year for the next fifteen years. Since he has paid for his previous health procedure with prior year's taxes his CCO is 0. Being flatulent within government Individual Greenhouse Emissions (IGE) standards he receives a 1.0 (no green damage) rating for his GBM. An additional factor of .12 is added to his GBM because he drives a Hybrid. At the end of his surgery, Bill has a GHA of over $688K! Based on this GHA rating the Government Health Review Board will recommend that he have the surgery!
Here is another example:
Vern is 62 years old, drives an SUV, likes spicy foods, is an avid hunter, and produces about 30% more methane than average due to chronic gastro-reflux. He has been informed by his doctor that he has skin cancer and will need surgery and follow-up treatment costing about $350,000. He makes about $200,000 per year, votes republican, and has had no other previous procedures under the government plan.
Given an equivalent life expectancy to that of Bill, Vern’s GHA formula looks like this:
[(3 x 100,000) – (350,000 – 0)] x 1.5 = -75,000 GHA
Vern is clearly a productive citizen but because he is old and needs a very expensive procedure, it does not appear possible for him to generate enough future revenue to pay the government back. Additionally, he is an SUV driving, polluting, farting, right wing animal hater. This results in a GBM of 1.5, making his total GHA a negative $75,000. Taking these numbers into account the Government Health Review Board should rightfully let him die. After all, he is nothing but a right wing looser that will likely vote against you in 2010. Who will miss him…really?
Mr President, I hope that the two above examples show how effective my GHA model will be. Younger healthy folks will get more points, while “oldies,” the chronically ill, and non-green “undesirables” will have their scores properly lowered. This will handily relieve the government from the burden of excessive and unwarranted health care expenditures. But, that is not the best part!
The fact that we now have a numerical measure of each RPU’s health care entitlement enables us to build on Al Gore’s Cap–and-Trade concept. I call it Life-and-Trade and it will be a real money maker for you! Using L&T, people with very low GHA’s will be able to buy additional GHA “shares” from people who have extremely high reserves. Under L&T, healthy green individuals, like Bill, will be able to auction off pre-set amounts from their GHA to poor jerks like Vern. Not only will this market give folks like Vern hope for treatment, all transactions on the L&T market will be taxed at a specified percentage rate. The revenue generated from L&T transaction taxes can then be put into an account to offset the cost of healthcare for non-productive citizens (your base) and illegal aliens. They, after all, will not be subject to the GHA model because they are oppressed victims of American capitalism and racism. They deserve all that they can get for free at the expense of our productive capitalist greed-mongers. Finally, as I am sure you have already realized, there will be a need for several new and very powerful bureaucratic organizations such as the previously mentioned GGHB. You may use these as examples of how your public “option” is actually creating new jobs! It truly is brilliant!
In conclusion, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to explain my model to you. I am sure, Mr President, you can see that I have spared myself no difficulty to ensure that all of your highest values are exemplified in its execution. I am sure that by using the GHA model to clarify your intent, you will show the American People how much you really care about them and what kind of person you really are.