Jane “The Insider” Norton makes her way down the aisle toward the ring. Surrounded by an entourage of party elites, women in furs, and men with tailored suits. The crowd erupts into polite applause. Ken “No legs” Buck makes his way to the ring sparsely surrounded by his family and some guy dressed in a West Point cadet’s uniform. He is greeted by a tune played on a flute and a snare drum.
Ladieeees and Gentleeeeeeeman!
In this corner, wearing the pink elephant trunks, Jane “The Insider” Norton former Lt. Governor of Colorado. She arrives with all the “musts.” Chosen by McCain, Cornyn, and the NRSC. Her backers include former Colorado GOP power brokers Owens and Brown. Her trunks are adorned with gaudy accoutrements made possible by an astonishing $500,000.00 raised in the first 16 days of her campaign. Norton is promoted by her brother-in-law, the most influential Washington lobbyist, Charlie Black. Norton is managed by Norm Cummings, former chief of staff for the Republican National Committee.
Her opponent, Kevin….I mean… Ken “No Legs” Buck. He is wearing the denim trunks. Buck has the body of a Princeton tight end….well, at least the body of a Princeton punter. Buck has the support of …… uh….well…his wife Perry and….oh yeah…his kids. Buck is the Weld County District Attorney…..Weld County District Attorney? Buck’s followers include……include…..Cinamon, anyone? Josh, can you think of someone? Kevin ….I mean Ken, is managed by Walt Klein who has managed, excuse me, not managed, but is rumored to have at least worked on the campaigns of such GOP luminaries as Abe Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.
Norton flaunts her being recruited by the Washington elites. She tells the Denver Post she talked to McCain before deciding to enter the race. Buck is caught off guard by his opponent and her inside abilities. He takes several shots. Bucks unfamiliar and awkward style of being an outside slugger is somewhat confusing to Norton the consummate inside fighter but she easily takes the first round.
Norton arrives at the GOP Central committee meeting in Keystone along with Ken Buck. A straw poll is conducted and Norton pulls 1/3 of the votes. 2/3 of the votes are split among Buck and other challengers. Norton is referred to as the front runner by the national media. Buck is receiving attention from the weekly papers in Kiowa, Julesburg, Lamar, and Limon.
Judges give the round to Norton.
Norton out raises Buck 10 to 1. Norton changes shoes to elephant pink, to coordinate with her trunks. Buck seems distracted by the audience. His attention is on gabbing with those closest to the ring. This round goes to Norton.
Buck comes out swinging and squeaks out a victory in the GOP precinct caucus straw polls. Donald Johnson yells out from the crowd: “Buck has no legs.” (Perhaps not the legs of a tight end, but give him a break he was a punter!)
Judges score this round for Buck.
Buck refreshes himself prior to the start of the round. He is drinking ice tea with a splash of lemonade, aptly named “The Senator.” (Get it? Ice Tea as in Tea Party. Lemonade as in if given lemons make lemonade) Norton drinks Dom Perignon. (Nothing to get.) Norton is dazed from the DeMint endorsement of Buck. It certainly left a mark. Cheri Ofner yells out from the crowd: “Buck didn’t even go to Princeton….Wyoming doesn’t even have a law school !” Ofner is shouted down by the Buckoids.
Judges give Buck the round.
Norton does not come out for the round. She claims she is preparing for a different opponent. She is not interested in Buck. The crowd boos and begins chanting ” Buck….Buck….Buck.” Norton exasperated, fires her manager and replaces Cummings with Penry.
Judges give round to Buck by default.
With Penry giving instructions to Norton to start hitting below the belt, Buck takes a couple shots to the groin. The crowd boos and seem disgusted by these tactics.
Norton loses round to Buck by penalty.
Palin arrives in Colorado, ostensibly to come to the pink elephant’s rescue. Buck is seen talking to some guy wearing a costume from the revolutionary war. Palin looks at the crowd, several wearing the 3 corner hat she is accustomed to seeing lately. She stays for this round and leaves without comment.
Judges give the round to Buck.
Norton is pummeled by the Magellan poll showing Buck with a 10 point lead by likely Republican voters. Buck is staying outside of Norton’s vaunted inside strategy. Norton tries to fight from the outside but alas all her training has been about “the inside”. Norton takes time for a photo-op with Rubio and Toomey who leave with pockets of Charlie Black type money. Rubio and Toomey leave before the round ends.
This round easily goes to Buck.
The round begins with a fifes and drums contingent playing Yankee Doodle Dandy. John Cornyn, the crowd has been told will be arriving soon to assist in Norton’s corner. Buck appears relaxed and confident. Norton, not so much. The Denver Post/Channel 9 poll comes out with Buck leading Norton 53 to 37 percent of likely Republican voters. Norton is down for the count! The bell sounds, saving Norton for another round. Penry yells at Norton as she is assisted to the corner. “You have got to stay on the outside!
Yankee Doodle went to town a riding on a pony…..