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FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

The Newt Conversation

Let’s imagine the primaries as a conversation between the conservative grassroots and the national media elite (including the conservative media establishment):

Elite: Time to find a new national standard-bearer, Republicans. But not somebody dumb, like George W. Bush.

Grassroots: We love Sarah Palin!

Elite: She’s dumb. You can’t have her.

Grassroots: We love Michele Bachmann!

Elite: She’s dumb. You can’t have her.

Grassroots: We love Rick Perry!

Elite: He’s dumb. You can’t have him.

Grassroots: We love Herman Cain! And you’re not allowed to call him dumb!

Elite: He’s…Ok, you got us there. But he doesn’t know anything. He’s ignorant.

Grassroots: So, you want smart, educated, knowledgeable, good in debates? That’s your criteria?

Elite: Absolutely. Go find somebody like that. We have a pretty good idea what we have in mind.

Grassroots: You asked for it, bro. We love Newt Gingrich, Ph.D, historian and mad scientist! We love his debating style and his enormous head and his 24 books and his moon mining schemes! He’s gonna lecture you guys until you beg for mercy!

[A few months later]

Elite: We give up! We can’t take it anymore! Send us back that Perry guy! We have carpal tunnel from taking so many notes! We’re sick of looking up obscure battles on Wikipedia and ordering out-of-print books on eBay to do fact checking! The pages of our thesauruses are falling out! We just want to ask a simple question without having our premises fundamentally challenged! Uncle!

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