from DonkeyHotey via Flickr Creative Commons

Caricature by DonkeyHotey

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One day while surfing channels on television, I came across footage of North Korea’s leader watching a missile launch and smiling and clapping.  The voice over droned on about how dangerous this was and past transgressions by the lilliputian leader of North Korea, but something else grabbed my attention- his hair.  His haircut is grounds for a barber malpractice suit.  And he is such a despotic leader that his fellow countrymen (and some women) followed his lead and got identical cuts.  In fact, they are even emulating him in the height (or lack thereof) department.  I think everyone here can agree that he is a really bad man.

But, it got me to thinking: have any other world leaders sported bad hair cuts?  Let’s start with the obvious- Adolph Hitler.  This guy was so bad that I doubt there are many Germans named Adolph today.  You know you’re a badass when one of your legacies is no one will give their child your name.  Likewise, you don’t see too many people sporting Hitler mustaches or his hair cut.  The closest one can come to the Hitler haircut is perhaps Alfalfa from the Our Gang series, but even he sported a cowlick to distinguish himself from the Hitler haircut.  It was subtle, but no one thinks of Alfalfa as a bad guy.  If only the Germans knew then what I stumbled upon now…

Another bad guy leader was Mao Tse-Tung and I am going to use the spelling I was taught many years ago when I learned about this Communist tyrant.  He not only was responsible for the genocide of millions of people, he even changed their culture and history.  As for his hair, he had a very bad receding hairline.  Seriously…just Google any image of the guy.  So much forehead is exposed, it qualifies as a screen at a drive-in movie theater.  Thus, bad hair; bad leader; bad guy.  In fact, his forehead and hairstyle has a lot in common with another bad buy- Cambodia’s Pol Pot.  And he too killed a lot of people.

One more bad guy- Idi Amin.  He was so bad he was once accused of cannibalism.  Given his record in Uganda, it is highly probable the rumors are true.  Now with Africans, hair gets a little tricky given the texture of the hair.  The fact is many Africans don’t have bad hair styles.  It is African-Americans who sport the bad hair.  For example, that symbol of black power- the Afro- is a really bad hairstyle.  When I see someone sporting that look I think of two people- Linc from the Mod Squad series, or Buckwheat (again, that Our Gang series was ahead of its time).  By the way, you don’t hear of too many real Africans with names like Beyonce.  I once knew a real live Nigerian who asked a black girl where the name Shantal came from.  She responded it was an African name.  He said, “No Africans I know.”  And he was an actual African… with the name William.

The other bad African-American hairstyle is the cornrow.  I doubt Idi Amin had time to sit in the barber chair while he had his hair braided into rows as he chowed down on a human liver.  So, if Idi Amin did not sport an Afro and he did not sport cornrows, what did he sport?  That is where hats come in.  He often wore some military garb, including a hat, or one of those African hats, the name of which slips my memory at this moment.  Thus, one suspects that he too had bad hair.  Thus, the African bad guys usually wear hats to cover their bad hair.

Which brings us to 2016 and America’s next leader among the likely four: Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump.  Clinton lost the 2008 bid against Obama because it was obvious that she dyed her hair.  Unflattering pictures of her gray roots was the more likely cause of her electoral loss.  Compared to Obama, who had a normal haircut, normal wins out over dyed hair anytime.  In 2016, there are simply more trips to the beautician and more hair dye applied because, let’s face it, Hillary Clinton is no spring chicken.

Incidentally, incumbency with normal hair wins out over non-incumbency with better hair.  Case in point:  Obama’s defeat of Mitt Romney in 2016.  Romney’s hair was better than Obama’s, but incumbency- nothing else- got in the way of a Romney victory.  It is also the real reason Obama defeated McCain in 2008.  A good haircut will defeat male pattern baldness anytime.  Mitt Romney should have used his hair more to his advantage.

Next up- Bernie Sanders.  Let’s be for real here.  At times, Sanders’ hair looks like it was worked on by a flock of seagulls- and not the defunct rock band.  I’m not quite sure what look he was going for here.  Perhaps, nutty socialist professor?  Vermont reclusive porn writer?  Whatever… he’s not going anywhere anyway.

Then there is Donald Trump.  It is way to easy to attack Trump regarding his hair which has been described as anything from a bad comb-over to a dead woodland animal taking up residence on top of his head.  Combined with the John Boehner-inspired orange glow, the hair and skin tone clearly clash.  What is most disturbing are those white rings around his eyes which makes him look like some reverse raccoon creature…carrying another dead raccoon on his head.  If Donald Trump is ever elected president, he will embarrass this country in more ways than one.  Most egregious will be the endless insults hurled our way because of Trump’s hair.  The country cannot withstand such an attack of hairy terrorism.

That leaves the only logical choice in the race.  Clearly, Ted Cruz has the best hair in the race among the Final Four.  Sure, he may be the Zodiac killer and sure, he looks like he’s going to cry (sad eyes could be advantageous), but he has good hair.  So for all the fence sitters out there, only one real choice remains and not because he is the best, most consistent conservative.  A vote for Ted Cruz is a vote for good hair.