Hello, fellow Americans. My name is George W. Bush. I recognize that there are a lot of tensions weighing heavily on the citizens of this once great land of ours. I also realize, and take full responsibility for, the problems that I created over the 8 years that I occupied the Oval Office. Thanks to my policies, programs and decisions – with absolutely no help from the Democrats in Congress – I created, or saved from being resolved, all of the thorny issues that President Obama is dealing with today. Allow me to elaborate:
First, for 8 years I allowed my pals on Wall Street to rape the little people in America by selling them homes they couldn’t afford. I simultaneously allowed them to con savvy investors into buying and selling complicated mortgage derivatives that they were incapable of understanding. We all know now how this led to the world wide financial collapse and eventually the “Bush recession of 2009-12.”
Then there’s the undocumented worker problem. It is driving a wedge between those Americans who have to deal with the gangs, crime, drugs and other costs – monetary and social – of having their states overrun by undocumented workers flooding across the borders , and those who don’t. This whole mess got out of hand because John McCain and I, who both completely backed unfettered amnesty for undocumenteds, backed down. We allowed ourselves to be cowed by the will of a pack of racists who don’t really know what’s best for either themselves, the Democratic party or this once great country.
I also know all too well the great divide that’s been created between the “drill here, drill now” crowd and the proponents of clean, green energy. This rift has recently grown wider due to my letting BP drill recklessly in the Gulf of Mexico even after I left office. Now that President Obama has plugged that damn hole, let’s all agree that it will be much wiser and safer to abandon our pursuit of carbon based energy in this country and throw all of our resources into the development of wind, solar, green battery cell power and mice on treadmills. The science is settled, and the math couldn’t be simpler: wind and solar are free, battery cells are sustainable because we make them in factories (and we’ve already created hundreds of new jobs) and mice don’t eat much. So rather than opening up the hundreds of thousands of federally owned acres for exploration and production of dirty oil/gas/coal, I’m now in full support of pursuing only clean energy. And I’m quite sure that our publically educated scientists in the employ of the Department of Energy, under the fine direction of Noble Laureate Dr. Chu, will figure out in no time how to get the laws of thermodynamics to bend to our energy plan. At that point, our clean energy initiative and human waste recycling programs will provide us with all the energy we will need to fuel the economy of this once great country of ours.
And I want to apologize to the American people for not slapping wage and price controls on doctors, hospitals, insurance companies and other healthcare providers while I was in office. This would have controlled all the runaway medical costs we’re now facing. After all, similar controls proved quite effective when Richard Nixon implemented them – I think Jimmy Carter can tell you that. I also must apologize for the drug pricing deal I cut with Big Pharma in order to get the Medicare drug bill passed. Don’t be mislead. Just because it looks – aside from being much smaller – identical to the deal President Obama’s team cut with the pharmaceutical lobby in order to get his healthcare bill passed, it was my deal that plunged us into a $13 trillion deficit, not his. My failures in this area are what made it necessary for Congress to pass the increasingly unpopular Obamacare. As we get further into the details of the plan that Congress passed before they had a chance to read it, it appears as though we won’t be able to afford all the bells and whistles that were previously part of the greatest healthcare system on earth. So, as the quality of care deteriorates in this once great country of ours, and since it’s my fault, our new national healthcare plan will henceforth be referred to as “Bush-care.”
And lastly, I wish to apologize for attempting the fool-hardy plan of taking the fight to the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11. Had I only realized that all I had to do in order to appease this very tiny radical minority of Islam was extend my hand in peace and friendship, I never would have launched two foolish wars that President Obama is left to prosecute. I’ve left him between a rock and a hard place. But for my careless actions, he likewise would not have to endure all of the hateful, personal criticism for his inability to successfully triangulate his position on the Mosque at Ground Zero issue. You must see how difficult it is to effectively straddle this line: having to appear sensitive, on one side, to people whose children, wives and husbands had to decide whether to jump out of burning buildings to their death, or stay and burn to death. On the other side, there’s Islam – the great religion of peace that has made so many cultural contributions to our once great county – that wants to erect a shrine at Ground Zero. That’s a call that’s clearly above any President’s pay grade. I’m sincerely sorry for having placed Mr. Obama in a position where he has to make a call.
In conclusion, let me just say “I’m sorry” for ruining the economy of the entire world, causing America to be despised by our Muslim friends, as well as the French and Belgians, because I chose to act in a dismissive, and at times derisive manner.
President Obama can fix all the problems I created but it’s going to take time and your support.
Thank you for your cooperation, and “assalamu alaikum.”
George W. Bush
Failed Former President of the United States