Rush Limbaugh Made Me Eat 4 Chili Dogs!
He really and truly did, how rude and improper of him!
It all started simply enough. I had to drive up to Atlanta for a little business meeting a couple of days ago, and decided to stop by The Varsity afterwards in order to enjoy a good chili dog. The Varsity makes some of the best ones goin’, and I always pay them a visit whenever I’m in Atlanta. And I did just that, pulling into one of The Varsity drive-in stalls for some curbside service. I quickly placed my order – one chili dog and one small Diet Coke. Have to be ever mindful of my waistline, mind you.
While I was waiting for the car hop to bring out my order, I flipped on the radio. Rush Limbaugh’s program was on, and I’m typically glad of that. Over the years I’ve listened to Rush more than once, and see him as the Elvis of modern conservatism. I really believe that without Rush there wouldn’t be a Fox News, a Sarah Palin, a Shawn Hannity, or any of the rest of them. He blazed the conservative trail at a time when it wasn’t the most popular thing in the world to do, and that says something to me. Even during those times that I listen to him and don’t agree with what he’s saying I still enjoy him, his showmanship skills are second to none.
Anyway, Rush was talking to his listeners about a couple of items of interest, and as he did so my car hop brought out my chili dog and singular small Diet Coke. And I was content with eating just that one hot dog when suddenly I heard one of Rush’s listeners give him “dittos.” And that’s what started me on the road to gastronomic ruin, and that’s why I’m “outing” his nefariousness here for all the world to see!
For those of you who aren‘t aware, Rush’s fans give him “dittos” as opposed to long-winded refrains of praise for his efforts. This saves time and air and ear drums, it‘s a very practical concept. But to me, at the precise moment I was eating that Varsity chili dog, the word “ditto” meant “agreement,” like “ditto to what you just said, good buddy!” And agreement in that sense means that two folks are seeing something the exact same way, which meant, of course, that the concept of two had just been expressed. And that concept of two led me, against my will, to press the button on the speaker and order up yet another chili dog! And I proceeded to both order and eat it, and while I was doing so yet another listener wished Rush “dittos,” so that meant that two times two equals four, which meant that I had to order two more chili dogs! And hey, y’all know as well as I that you can’t eat that many chili dogs without fries, so Rush forced me to order up a big stash of them as well. All in all it was so much food that I was forced to turn his program off so that I could properly focus on and finish it all. The result was, when all was said and done, that I was forced to eat four chili dogs, a large order of fries, and one Diet Coke because of Rush Limbaugh. I hope he’s proud of himself.
Know what makes me the maddest about all this? If Rush had just thrown out all these “dittos” at me a few years from now we’d have ObamaCare, which would mean that it wouldn’t matter how much I ate or whatever problems ensued as I’d have medical coverage to take care of it all. As it stands right now, all I can hope for is that they’ll get busy in Congress and put that “Fairness Doctrine” into the rule book, which means that I’ll only be exposed to one set of political beliefs ever again! Imagine how great it’ll be to just have NPR to tune into all the time! So, if the Fairness Doctrine gets put in, then I’ll never be forced to eat so many chili dogs ever again! And I’m sure most of the folks who’re in my immediate proximity each day will be quite grateful for that.
Rush, I’m going to do my best to forgive you for the mass injustice that you’ve perpetrated against me. And I would say more and write a proper conclusion to this article, but I have in my possession a two-for-one Dairy Queen Blizzard coupon, and since ESPN is currently running a story about Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan, aka “Matty Ice,” I’m finding that I’m now compelled to go out and buy one. Damn that “Matty Ice,” he’s forcing me to go and eat some ice cream too!