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A Problem with the new CDC Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide

 

 

 

 So when I first saw this I was excited that the CDC is finally recognizing zombies as a serious threat the human safety.  I then read their survival guide and was VERY disapointed. 

As a frequent viewer of zombie movies I’m aware of the different threats various types of zombies can pose and was hoping to see what they suggest for dealing with said threats.  Unfortunately, what I found was their typical water, canned goods, radio, duct tape, batteries, clothes, documents, etc. list.  Of course all of those things should be included in any preparedness kit, but there is one tiny problem.  NOWHERE did they give the most important information of all:  How to actually pretect yourself and fend off the flesh-eaters, THAT is why I’m writing this.  This information could save not only your life, but the lives of your friends and family as well.  Most of these rules are going to be based on the idea that you will likely encounter what are known as “Romero Zombies.”  Those being from George A. Romero’s movies such as “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead.”  These are also the type seen in “Shaun of the Dead.”  These particular zombies originate as dead people who are re-animated by some form of radiation.  This has also been referred to in the voodoo prophecy, “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will wak the earth.”  The other forms of zombieism are caused by viruses, but that is just too sy-fi and unbelievable for me.  Many of the following techniques and tools will work for them as well, however.  

I have narrowed this down to what I feel are the four most important rules.  If  you feel I have left anything out please feel free to add it in the comments.  Now, let’s begin, shall we:

 

Rule #1

Resist the urge to scream, yell, or make any other loud noises that could alert the living dead to your location.  Being stealth is the key here.  Zombies have a good sense of hearing and will be alerted to your location if you make any excessive noise.  Look to the begining of “Night of the Living Dead” or the Winchester scenes in “Shaun of the Dead” as the examples here.  Had Barbara kept her mouth shut and not tried to confront the zombie in the cemetery she would not have drawn any attention to herself.  The same happened when Ed played the slot and the jukebox at The Winchester.  Sure they had swarmed the outside of the building, but they were unaware that the living were in fact held up inside.

Rule #2

Have a vehicle with a full tank of gas ready, or worst case, know how to hotwire one.  Sure zombies are slow, sluggish creatures, but they WILL outnumber you and they tend to swarm.  The faster you can get away from heavily populated areas, the better.  The bigger and more heavy duty the vehicle, the better as well since you may be required to floor it and roll through a swarm of them.  I’d hate to see someone try to drive a Geo Metro through a cluster of, say, 50 only to have it fall apart after hitting the first one. 

Rule #3

 

Should a member of your team, be it friend, family, or some random person who joined your group, fall victim to a bite, that person WILL need to be put down.  Sure they may survive anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, but the turn will occur putting the rest of your lives in danger. This scenario has happened in EVERY zombie movie I have seen.   Barbara, (huh…just noticed she had the same name as the lead in “Night of the Living Dead) Shaun’s mum, (it’s a British movie) was bitten by “the man in his pajamas.”  She eventually turned and Shaun was forced to decide to end her himself.  It’s going to be a difficult thing to do, but at this point, that person is no longer who he/she once was; that person is now a flesh eating zombie.

Rule #4

This brings us to the final and MOST important rule of all.  ARM  YOURSELF!!  And heavily I might add.  Use whatever you can get your hands on.  The general rule is”remove the head or destroy the brain.”  The most common tool of the trade is any form of fire arm, generally a rifle or shotgun of some kind.  The bigger the weapon the more dramatic the head explosion, but we are going for survival and practicality; so, really anything that fires a skull-piercing bullet should work.  Should you need any assistance choosing the best fire arm to ensure your survival, I would be happy to recommend a good gunsmith.  Other tools that will work include a metal pipe, baseball or cricket bat, ax, chainsaw, golf clubs, large knives or screwdrivers, a board with a nail in it, a brick…you get the idea.

So, in conclusion, don’t think this can’t and won’t happen.  It’s that kind of thinking that gets people into trouble later on.  Just be prepared, encourage everyone you know to do the same, and aim for the head.

“You think it’s a scene from some monster magazine.  Well, open your eyes, too late, this ain’t no fantasy.” – The Misfits

 

 

 

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