A Modest Proposal
Gun Control Made Easy and Painless
I dearly want to save the Nation another pointless discussion of gun control. The fact is, crazy people kill people, and Congress can’t or won’t address the the far more contentious issue of controlling crazies. After all, the only solution to that would require banning anyone having ever been confined to a psychiatric institution or anyone having ever been prescribed psychiatric drugs from owning guns. That would include politicians and their staff and bodyguards who’ve visited The Betty Ford Clinic or taken their Xanax or Prozac, as well as their kids on Ritalin.
Instead, I propose a simple piece of legislation that will provide Congress the opportunity to say that they have done something while placing no restrictions whatsoever on gun ownership. To whit:
WHEREAS, no person [to my knowledge] has ever been killed by a pink gun, and
WHEREAS, nowhere in the Constitution is Congress explicitly granted authority to regulate arms, except that The People are explicitly granted the right to keep and bear arms and The Federal Government is explicitly prevented from infringing on that right, and
WHEREAS, the Congress is incapable of executing its assigned powers under Article I, Section 8, of the Constitution, nor is it capable of performing the tasks that it assigned itself under The General Accounting Act of 1921 and the Budget Control Act of 1974, and
WHEREAS, it is more important for Members of Congress to appear on the morning, afternoon, or evening news than to actually perform their duties and fulfill their responsibilities,
THEN BE IT RESOLVED THAT all arms commonly known as “Assault Weapons” shall be colored Pink, so that Congress can claim that it has done something. To whit:
1) An “assault weapon” shall be defined as a semi-automatic projectile firearm of caliber greater than .220 for which ammunition clips or magazines are commercially available that store more than ten projectiles. [because, if you can't hit a target on the first ten tries, you're committing assault, not conviction]
2) “Semi-automatic” shall be defined as the ability to fire single projectiles after an initial projectile is fired, with no more effort than effecting a trigger mechanism once for each subsequent projectile fired.
3) “Commercially available” shall be defined as available for purchase from more than ten physical locations or electronic vendors.
4) “Pink” shall be defined as any color combining the Primary Color Red with tinctures commonly deemed White. Alternating patterns of pink and pure white shall be included in the definition of “pink.” [Because camouflage is effective, but most animals can't see color]
1) Excepting the barrel and trigger, all assault weapons shall be painted pink. Painting shall include the body, shoulder rest (if provided), handle(s) and any fixed or detachable ammunition clip or magazine of capacity greater than ten projectiles.
2) Painting shall be completed prior to sale of an assault weapon to an individual or organization of individuals.
3) Painting shall be completed prior to the return of a previously unpainted assault weapon submitted to a vendor for repair or modification.
1) Assault weapons available for sale to law enforcement organizations, the armed forces of the United States and the States individually, individuals actively serving in the armed forces of the United States or the individual States, and individuals deputized by recognized Federal or State law enforcement agencies shall be exempt from this Act.
2) Upon being deemed no longer useful or necessary by the entities described immediately above, assault weapons owned by those entities shall be either destroyed or painted as per Section II.
3) Assault weapons available for sale to Members of Congress, their public staff, and their private employees are NOT exempted from this Act, nor shall Members of Congress, their public staff, and their private employees be permitted to carry an assault weapon that has not been painted pink.
Passing this law will allow Congress to avoid spending money on costly committees to “study” this issue yet again, provide them the opportunity to claim that they have done something, place no restrictions on guns or gun ownership, and perhaps reduce civil violence. Pink guns don’t often (if ever) kill people, and they’re easy to spot.