Meditations on Charlie Sheen

This week, Sean Penn stated that he wants to team up with Charlie Sheen to help out Haiti. What could possibly go wrong there? Sounds perfect to me. Set these two left wingnuts up with a hammer and saw, and Haiti should be back to normal pretty soon. To be honest, when I saw the crushed buildings that remain in Haiti after the earthquake I didn’t think to myself “man, that place could really use Charlie Sheen right now.” I flipped to the other channel, and Charlie was babbling incoherently. No, I don’t think this is the man for the job. With mass devastation, and collapsed buildings, the very last thing on earth that Haiti needs right now is Charlie Sheen. If I were Sean Penn I would have called Bob Villa. Not that Bob Villa returns my phone calls, though. Bob-call me. I know you’re reading this. But let’s face it folks, Villa knows his way around a hammer, and I wouldn’t really trust Charlie with a hammer, and please, for the love of God,  don’t give that guy a nail gun. To be honest, just the idea of Charlie building a birdhouse scares me. Those poor birds.

I’m blown away that Sean Penn was watching Charlie spouting jibberish and though to himself “wait, this guy would be prefect for Haiti.” While the rest of the world was thinking “this guy is nuts,” Sean was thinking “let’s get this guy down to Haiti.” There is some doubt in my mind as to whether the whole place would be any cleaner after Charlie was done with it, but that in another matter.

Another point of this is that in typical liberal fashion, the Liberal Press is whitewashing the situation and conveniently avoiding the fact that Charlie Sheen called his Hollywood boss Chuck Lorre a “hyme,” short of course for hymie. Stuff like that almost ended the career of Mel Gibson recently. But I guess it’s not a problem because Gibson comes across as a conservative with “The Passion of the Christ,” and Charlie gave everyone the impression that he was a liberal by calling Bush out in a 9/11 truther conspiracy theory. Phew, he’s safe.

Another possibility, though is that Lorre wasn’t offended because he knows that this is all a publicity stunt, and he’s in on it, too. For sure, Charle Sheen, Chuck Lorre, Les Moonves, CBS, and “Two and a Half Men” are in the press far more than they have ever been, and the whole thing to me fits in a little too snugly with the idea that Charlie Sheen is an unhinged party animal on the show.

Anyways, the good news is that once their job in Haiti is done, they can go mess up Venezuela. They can grab their bags, and go visit Sean’s old friend, dictator Hugo Chavez. Won’t Hugo be glad to see them! Hell, they can do a whole South American tour, trashing the whole place, going country to country. They could potentially devastate the whole continent. As is socialism hasn’t messed the place up enough. Socialism will prove to be nothing next to the devastation wrought by Charlie Sheen and Sean Penn. The dual hammers.

I think the real political aspect of this that is being ignored is that these two roving knuckleheads could be an asset for collapsing regimes. That’s right-we can use these guys for regime change. We could sharpen Charlie up, and use him as a political weapon.

“Your mission, Charlie, should you choose to accept it, is to topple foreign dictator, Juan Obregon. Are you up to it?”

“You mean, more bi-winning?”

“Yes, Charlie, more bi-winning.”

“I’m there.”

If there is a South American dictator that we need to get rid of, we will send in Charlie Sheen. Forget the A-Team. Charlie will get off the plane, babbling incoherently, and soon the country will fall like overripe fruit into our hands. After a while, Charlie could be up for the Nobel Prize for aggression. We will call Charlie “the regime changer.” If anyone angers us, we will initiate Operation Charlie Sheen. I think it’s brilliant. Don’t go stealing my idea, it’s copyrighted.

Get Alerts