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To a disgraced, disbarred ex-President who can’t keep his mouth shut

I know it hurts, Bill. No state troopers to fetch willing (or in some cases, unwilling) women for you. No adulation since your groupies found another messiah. The fiddling with an intern thing is so, well, 1990′s, and it seems if the Enquirer can catch John Edwards, you know they can catch you and it has really cramped your style. You are insignificant, relegated to the rubber chicken circuit, with everything behind you and nothing really in front of you. So when you get a little press from some controversial comments, I understand why you can’t help but double down like you did today.

Former President Clinton on Sunday broadened his warning that Tea Party protesters could feed violence reminiscent of the Oklahoma City bombing, suggesting “right-wing media” and the blogosphere could be culpable for any future politically fueled extremism as well. 

The former president, speaking on ABC’s “This Week,” elaborated on his controversial comments from Friday, when he drew parallels between the modern Tea Party movement and the anti-government rage of the mid-’90s that preceded the 1995 Oklahoma City attack that killed 168 people and injured hundreds more. 

When you lefties can stand on some bodies to score some political points, you just can’t help it, can you?

But do me a favor, just for fun. Go to your office – the place you are supposed to take care of and lead – and set up a jar to collect money for, say, a cause for children. Make sure it gets full, then steal it. That’s right, just take it. Right in front of everyone. Over their objections. Now you may have to use part of the money you stole to get the right people to look the other way, or even support what you did, but that’s OK. If that is what you need to do in order to take the jar out of the building, that’s what you should do.

Now this should cause a minor uproar at the office. There will be some - probably a majority - that are highly offended at what you just did. They may actually call you on the carpet and start causing some problems. Those are the people you need to target. The first thing you need to do is find out what sort of groups they belong to – maybe a bowling league, or a poker night, or something similar. You need to get your human resources department to issue a memo saying that they are worried about violence at the workplace, and that everyone should be on the lookout for people who belong to bowling leagues or play poker every week.

OK – good. Your next step should be to act like a little schoolyard bully, and taunt the very ones who you just unfairly singled out but who are still indignant about the fact that you stole from children right in front of them. Tell them that there is nothing they can do about it, that you know what you are doing with the money and they will be OK with it and even support it once some time passes. Remind them that the world hasn’t come to an end, that cracks haven’t appeared in the earth and that the birds are still singing. Most of all, tell them that they should be thanking you for taking the money. That’s right – they should be thanking you.

Things should really be boiling over at this point, and it could become real uncomfortable for you. It’s time to play the victim card. I know, I know – you have stolen money, you have unfairly targeted decent people, you have taunted them and acted like a child. It doesn’t matter. I feel sure that someone will utter “jerk” as he passes you in the hall, or mumble “someday he will get what’s coming to him” at the water cooler. This is perfect – threats! They have played right into your hands! And since you are America’s first black President, you get the extra bonus of yelling “Racism!”. Of course, they really aren’t threats – these people haven’t broken a law in their lives – and it really isn’t racism. It’s all about the money you stole, their money, but that doesn’t matter.

Do all this. Continue the taunting and demonizing, continue to act like some schoolyard bully. Provoke, and if nothing happens, provoke some more. Enlist the local press in your efforts, and tell them to cite the uproar at your office as some sort of precursor to workplace violence. They’ll do specials and have discussions and dwell on it, and dwell some more. You get the picture.

Since you are dealing with decent people, you may be disappointed if there is no violence, no matter how hard you try to provoke it. People have wised up since the 60′s and Kent State, and may realize that you are doing this while praying to get a reaction so you can wipe some blood on your shirt and make new a career of “I was there” speeches. Of course, permit the people who support you to be as violent as they wish, because your friends in the press will ignore it. But maybe, just maybe, someone – probably someone not even affiliated with the people at your workplace – will do something you can point to. Then you can sigh, give the press your “I told you so” speech, still keep the money in the jar, then look forward to stealing much more because you just shut up the only people who cared.

Just remember – you didn’t start it. No matter what they say, or what videos they produce, or what bricks with notes they pick up off their office floors, or what statements from your side they dig up, it wasn’t you. And given your experience in that department, it won’t be very hard, will it?

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