« BACK  |  PRINT

RS

MEMBER DIARY

You Know You’re a Democrat if…

I remember a list like this being compiled in the ‘90s.  This is my attempt at an updated version.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you can still crinkle up your face and say, “Left wing media bias, what left wing media bias?”

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you are a reporter for CNN, NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NPR, PBS, USA Today, the New York Times, the LA Times, the Associated Press, Reuters, or for that matter, any newspaper in America that doesn’t have the words “Washington” and “Times” both appearing in its name.

 

You know you’re Democrat if you a liberal arts instructor at any university in America that doesn’t have the words “Hillsdale” and “College” both appearing in its name.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you’re a pro-choice member of PETA.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if your term for saying true things about Democrats is “Swift Boating.”

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you’re dead and still voting.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think John Kerry is a war hero.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you don’t know that John McCain, Bob Dole, and George H. W. Bush are real war heroes.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think people in wheel chairs can stand.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you ever confused your rosary beads for an assault weapon.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that Heinz named its steak sauce after the number of states in the Union.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright were recently scratched from your Christmas greeting card list.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you oppose school choice for all children but your own.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you believe that a candidate’s military service was completely irrelevant in 1992 and 1996, relevant in 2000, of vital importance in 2004, and completely irrelevant in 2008.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you would trust the same government that botched the response to Hurricane Katrina with providing you with your health care.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that the question of when human beings acquire legal rights is above the pay grade of a lawyer and legislator.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that, between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin is the gaffe machine.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that the Webster’s Dictionary definition of “fighter pilot” is: “draft-dodging coward.”

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you still can’t admit that Alger Hiss was guilty.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you’re pining for Castro-style socialist health care for American.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you’re pining for Castro-style socialist everything else for America.

 

You know you’ve a Democrat if the first time in your life that you worried about the essential role of fathers in child development, and the last time in your life that you worried about the essential role of fathers in child development, was when you supported forcibly removing Elian Gonzalez from this country at gunpoint so he could live with his father in that worker’s paradise known as Castro’s Cuba.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you support amnesty for all illegal aliens, but supported forcibly removing Elian Gonzalez from this country at gunpoint so he could live with his father in that worker’s paradise known as Castro’s Cuba.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think George Bush has shredded the constitution and trampled on our civil liberties, but supported forcibly removing Elian Gonzalez from this country at gunpoint so he could live with his father in that worker’s paradise known as Castro’s Cuba.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you only part ways with Fidel Castro when it comes to the issue of offshore oil drilling.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that the political party that abolished slavery, appointed the first black National Security Advisor, appointed the first two black Secretaries of State, appointed the first black Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, appointed the first Hispanic Attorney General, appointed the first woman Supreme Court justice, and just gave us the first Vietnamese-American Congressman, is hopelessly racist and sexist.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think inflating your tires is a national energy policy.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you know any of Jimmy Carter’s poems by heart.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you’re feeling Strange, New Respect for Kathleen Parker.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think “Bush lied, people died,” but never questioned the timing of Bill Clinton’s impeachment bombings of Iraq.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you can listen to Dick Durbin equate American soldiers with Nazis and Pol Pot, Dennis Kucinich question the mental stability of President Bush, John Kerry express the desire to shoot President Bush, Howard Dean announce that “I hate Republicans,” or a sermon by Barak Obama’s spiritual mentor, and think that Republicans need to tone down their rhetoric.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you voted for a man who opposed protecting premature babies who survive late-term abortions because the Republican position on abortion is too extreme.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you that attacking a Republican’s integrity, honesty, compassion, intelligence, decency and honor is fair game, but any questioning of a Democrat’s patriotism is a gross violation of political civility.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think the media has been in the tank for George W. Bush.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think the media has been too hard on Barak Obama.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think Barak Obama is a moderate.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you could listen to Jeremiah Wright’s preaching for more than 2 minutes without getting up and walking out of his church.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you could listen to Jeremiah Wright’s preaching for more than 20 years without getting up and walking out of his church.

 

You know you’re a Democrat (or John McCain) if you think it was dishonorable and tawdry for Republicans to make a campaign issue over Barak Obama’s ties to Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayes, but it wasn’t dishonorable and tawdry for Barak Obama to actually have ties to Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if The Audacity of Hope is prominently displayed in the center of your coffee table.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if Living History was prominently displayed in the center of your coffee table before it was replaced by The Audacity of Hope.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if My Life was prominently displayed in the center of your coffee table before it was replaced by Living History.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you’ve actually read any of The Audacity of Hope, Living History, or My Life.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if, prior to March 2008, you thought John McCain was a genuine war hero of deep convictions, a free-spirited maverick, and one of the very few Republicans you had any respect for, and post March 2008, you thought he was an erratic, nasty old man, whose POW experience only made him more unstable, and who was joined at the hip to President Bush.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if, between John McCain and John Kerry, you think John McCain was the one who was trying to “milk” his Vietnam war experience.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you feel that Joe Wilson is an intrepid whistle-blower.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that media rock stars Joe Wilson and Valorie Plame are suffering from a viscous Bush “smear” campaign.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if your ideal scientific research project would involve destroying human embryos to solve the problem of global warming.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that hot weather is proof of global warming, cold weather is proof of global warming, rain is proof of global warming, snow is proof of global warming, hurricanes are proof of global warming, no hurricanes are proof of global warming, floods are proof of global warming, droughts are proof of global warming, shrinking ice caps are proof of global warming, expanding ice caps are proof of global warming, rising ocean levels are proof of global warming, lowering ocean levels are proof of global warming, and global cooling is proof of global warming.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think Al Gore is calm and reasonable.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you don’t know that if Al Gore had had his way, the Florida recount would still be going on.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you don’t know which of the “Two Americas” John Edwards belongs to.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you are horrified by the practice of waterboarding terrorists, but were totally cool with removing the feeding and hydration tubes from a defenseless hospital patient so that she could be slowly and painfully starved and dehydrated to death.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if the civil liberties of terrorist concerns you more than the civil liberties of Joe the Plumber.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you worry about the separation of church and state when the Catholic Church speaks out against legalized abortion; but when the Catholic Church speaks out against the Iraq war or the death penalty, or speaks in favor of socialized health care or blanket amnesty for illegal aliens, you think the religion can play a vital role in shaping our public policy.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that CNN, NBC, CNBC, ABC, CBS, NPR, PBS, USA Today, the New York Times, the LA Times, the Associated Press, Reuters, almost every newspaper in America that doesn’t have “Washington” and “Times” both appearing in its name, every entertainment show, and virtually every movie produced by Hollywood, isn’t enough “balance” for 3 hours of Rush Limbaugh.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you define limiting free speech on the public airwaves as “fairness.”

 

You know you’re a Democrat if “July 1969” reminds you of Woodstock instead of Apollo 11.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you support the troops, except when it comes to giving them adequate funding for the missions you’ve voted to send them on.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you support the troops, except when it comes to allowing their votes to be counted in closely contested presidential elections.

 

You know you’re a Democrat if you think that the entire Watergate scandal, had it happened during the Clinton administration, would have amounted to more than a two-paragraph summary at the bottom of page A-37 of the Washington Post.

 

One year, as a TV camera panning over the crowd at a huge pro-choice rally, a sign could be made out that said, “Pacifists for Choice.”  You know you’re a Democrat if you can’t see the irony in that image.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get Alerts