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The Imaginary Obama Oil Spill Press Conference

Here’s my idea of it, feel free to add your own comments:

President Obama:

Hi, I’m pretty much the President of the United States, and although I haven’t given many press conferences or gone down to Louisiana much to talk about this spill, which would have earned my predecessor the continual hatred of the nation’s chattering classes…oh heck, it did…even though…wait a minute…teleprompter, catch UP!  have to say that today, this day, I am engaged with this spill.  I’m engaged like you can’t believe, bubba.  Jim Carville told me to get in the game.

BP Oil:

What the hell happened?  We can’t figure it out.  It’s a really complex problem.  We acknowledge that we did have some kind of offshore drilling platform there of some sort at the beginning of all this.  We think what we were doing was to drill the well, we lay the pipe, we suck the oil out and sell it to you blokes, and NOW you think you can blame US?  What’s wrong with you?  Go talk to TransOcean and their lawyers, and in the meantime, talk to the President.  We’re in the middle of doing something else important.  Mr. President, thank you for your involvement.  Jeez.

The Press:

Surely, someone there must know what caused this jihugic explosion that sank the platform and led to the worst environmental disaster in recent memory.  Somebody must have some kind of data, or something.  Don’t they?  Anyone….anyone?

[Ben Stein laughs]

President Obama:

Well, we have all the data we’re on top of.  New information is emerging all the time.  It’s a lot of data and we’ve been engaged since Day One.  You have to understand that there’s a tremendous amount of data here, and all kinds of uncertainties in our response and how much we know or don’t know, so we’ve been doing our best.  The American people expect that, and I promise to live up to it, right after I get back from the Duke basketball game.

BP Oil:

Yes, and we expect the American people to expect us to do our best too, and we will act accordingly, doing what they expect us to expect of ourselves.  That’s why we’re doing so much to contain the oil that’s blowing out of the well at the bottom of the ocean and the government has been involved since Day One, believe us.  It’s terrible.  All those dead miles of oil pipe.  At least the Federal Government is our full partner now that this terrible accident has occurred. 

The Press:

If the government was involved since Day One, why didn’t they see this spill in the making?  I mean, it was a huge-a** fireball.  The rig exploded so violently it basically blew itself into the next Zip Code, and all the people on board were blown into the previous Zip Code.  It killed almost all of ‘em and sunk the rig to the bottom of the ocean – er, the Gulf of Mexico.  And come to think of it, shouldn’t it be just the Gulf of the Northern Hemisphere?  It’s not just Mexico, ya know, but we digress.  People were fighting on board, it was some real scene probably, everybody was Kung-Fu fighting.  Then the whole thing just…well, it just kind of exploded like there was no tomorrow – nobody who is alive today saw it coming, that’s for sure – and it left this enormous, unsolvable problem a mile down, spewing and gushing and threatening and killing all the poor animals and the fishermen and making Floridians fear for the oceanfront rental season.  What are we supposed to report here?  How bad will it get?  Can’t the government tell us?”

BP Oil:

We have an excellent safety record, and moreover, we’re BRITISH.  Mostly.  We’re like National Grid in the Northeast, where the most important thing is to let the catastroph…  um, I mean, be proactive in preventing the problem.  And we usually do.  We’re proactive about 98% of the time.  And we can advise you to rent properties elsewhere along the coasts, perhaps in Costa Rica, until this is all cleared up.

President Obama:

We have all the best people there on this job, at least the ones who are left.  Ken Salazar, now he’s an absolutely crackerjack guy over there at Interior.  And Allah knows we’re doing our best to make sure that no other drilling happens here in the U.S. hemisphere under our watch, now that this awful disaster that I’ve taken resposibility for has happened.  I told Sasha this morning while I was shaving that we’ll eventually plug all the holes, if the GOP will let us.

The Press:

“President Obama Pledges to Plug Mother of All Leaks, Blames Republicans.”

BP Oil:

Listen, it’s really simple, see?  I mean, when you think about it.  We have this well under 5,000+ feet of water.  The pressure is like 2,300 PSI, no humans can be down there, it’s all robots and cameras and broken equipment.  We don’t really have a workable Plan B, and we never have had one.  We’ve submitted thousands of pages of documents to the government but since nobody in the government reads what they sign, we figured, “Ah, good one.”  And even if they do read it, they don’t understand it technically, they only understand it in terms of compliance, not reality.  They’re lawyers, not engineers — and everyone in their right mind knows that lawyers don’t have the slightest idea of what they’re talking about when it comes to engineering problems. 

Wait until people start doing really dangerous things like genetic engineering.  It’s going to make offshore oil drilling look like basket-weaving by comparison…

So sure, we should have thought of it, but you know, your people are stupid…bloke?  How can you think of everything?  There’s just so much to think of!  Maybe we could lob a nuclear torpedo in there but Obama won’t let us do that to seal the well.  It’ll kill every dolphin at Disneyland and people will be catching radioactive fish in Cancun, so it ain’t gonna happen.  We’ve consulted all the best petroleum engineers in the world.  We’ve also spent millions on public relations campaigns trying to mitigate the damage.  And we still really don’t  have the slightest idea what to do with it except keep trying “make-look” things until we can drill a second we..[blam]“

President Obama:

“I’m sorry, I had to cut our BP representative off.  I take responsibility for that.  BP Oil obviously didn’t know what they were talking about.”

The Press:

“But, but…there’s some guy’s brains and bone fragments all over the podium!”

President Obama:

“As I’ve said, this has been a terrible, terrible thing that has happened, and I’m fully engaged.  And believe me, now that the time is ripe, I’m pissed.  I’m a slow man to anger but when Jim Carville says I should be, I get riled up pretty quick.”

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