10. There are flyers on telephone poles advertising ‘The Tonight Show with Pervey Lecherman.’

9. The costume shop is clean out of slutty flight attendant outfits.

8. Park attendants find pictures of President Obama with a suspicious, white substance on them.

7. Park attendants find pictures of A-Rod with a suspicious, white substance on them.

6. There are reports of a homeless man shouting Uma, Oprah, over and over.

5. The junior highs have been closed due to repeat oglers.

4. Bastards R Us is all out of car seats

3. A huge cloud of smug has descended obscuring normal attitudes.

2. There is a car with a vanity plate that reads ‘Has-Been’

1. Nobody is laughing