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Dear Crabby; An Advice Column for the NutFruits Convention

There seems to be a fury of angst and handwringing going on at this year’s NutFruit Convention being held in Vegas.  So many cryptosocialists are annoyed and despondent over their party’s apparent failures after taking control of the country.  They are vacillating between spittle-spewing rage and the deepest blue depression.  Instead of being happy about the continued plundering of the middle class, demonization of property, and overall deconstruction of capitalism, they are agitated, restless, and somewhat schizophrenic.  In order to help our collectivist friends through their troubled state, I’ve decided to generate an advice column.  Following the 2008 election, the left was more than willing to give us advice like ‘you lost, deal with it,’ ‘we won, deal with it’, and of course President Obama’s helpful suggestion that ‘those who broke this system need to sit down and shut up so we can fix it.’  After such sage, comforting, and tolerant advice as that, we should return the favor.

Dear Crabby,

I believe the [Democratic] party has been too accommodating to Republicans who want to destroy [Obama]. I am puzzled why the party backed former Republican Arlen Specter in Pennsylvania’s Senate race rather than Democrat Joe Sestak, a two-term congressman who won the nomination.  I am discouraged. I’m fighting against my inclination to say, ‘The hell with it all,

Carol Olszewski, 65, of Schenectady, N.Y

Dear Carol,

You know how the political game is played.  Obama and the Democratic Party HAD to pretend to care about what those vile, evil, greedy Republicans thought in order to hoodwink the thoughtless masses.  If you carefully think about how President Obama has relentlessly attacked that vile, evil, greedy George Bush, who is causing all these problems, you’ll remember whose side he’s on.  He’s destroying this country as fast as he can.  You must not give up hope.  America is a strong, resilient country that will take years to subjugate,  The Roman Republic wasn’t destroyed in a day.  It took years of planning and careful political pandering to wreak the political system.  Besides, we have to make it seem that Republicans had a hand in the mess we’ve created otherwise who will we blame when it all goes to hell.  That’s the beauty of the plan.  We get to destroy the nation and point to the Republicans and exclaim,’they helped too.’  Unfortunately, most of them haven’t taken the bait yet. 

Dear Crabby,

I’m as mad as hell.  I busted my a** for Obama: President Obama, he doesn’t come on Ed: He goes to Brett Baier on Fox News in MY time slot.  “Bush and Cheney, when they got in trouble, they went to conservative media. What does this outfit do? They go to Fox.

Ed Schultz, 56 Fargo, ND

Dear Ed,

My what a mouth you have.  Do you kiss our Dear Leader’s feet with that thing?  You have to think big picture.  First, the people that watch your program are already drinking the Koolaid.  Why would our Anointed One go on to persuade them to help him rip apart the country.  Also, you know those people that watch Fox News are so dumb and ignorant they will fall for any snake oil sales pitch The One presents.  It gives us a leg up, we hope.  Finally, Ed, be reasonable, only about seven shut-ins who can’t reach the remote and 12 leftwing bloggers sitting in their basements in their dingy underwear watch you.  Why would the Exalted One go on to talk to you when he could get access to millions of rubes and exploiters to listen to his shining words.  You’re a collectivist.  You know the score, now sit down and take it like a man.

Dear Crabby,

I’m sick of this administration and Congress.  We’re asking for things that are popular in the polling, and they’re not responding, and that’s what’s frustrating, and they’re not delivering on what they promised.  They’re full of excuses. God knows they’re full of excuses. Harry Reid from Day One kept whining about sixty votes. You never heard Bill Frist whine about sixty votes., right? But Harry Reid couldn’t stop talking about sixty votes because it was a convenient excuse.”

Markos Moulitsas, 38 Berkeley, California

Dear Kos,

Settle down a bit, there is a little foam forming in the corner of your mouth.  Be reasonable, your polls are only a reflection of the opinion of Democrats, Socialists, government employees, and union officials, [Wait, those are all the same things now, I forgot]  Anyhoo, those polls showing the popularity of nationalized healthcare and cap and trade are just not terribly accurate.  Now, I know you believe polls should reflect all the extra votes our side casts.  What with the dead people, the felons, and the voters driven from the polls by  our friends in the New Black Panther movement, we do have a majority of the vote.  But, don’t forget that only 20% of the nation is as sensibly liberal as us.  We may illegally augment that number, but we have to keep in mind we are the minority and must help equalize the impact of the actual voters.  It’s not like you can trust a majority of the voters with deciding the fate of our democracy.  Hell, we have to destroy our democracy in order to save it.  Keep your chin up and mouth wiped dry.

Dear Crabby,

Our excellent elected Democratic officials are afraid of losing their seats. They’re scared radical tea partiers are going to come to power, which I think is valid. The tea party has certainly tapped into frustrations in this country. I don’t believe in anything they are espousing, but I don’t think they should be dismissed, either. Clearly, we should be talking about them. They’ve come onto the scene, they’re something that needs to be addressed.

Katie Andriulli, 27,  Washington, D.C.

Dear Katie,

Why are you worried about those racist, bigoted, small-minded, judgmental baboons?  It is we tolerant, diverse, broad-minded people who matter.  I can’t get over how everyone keeps talking about Sarah Palin this, and Sarah Palin that.  That woman is no woman.  She’s a conservative for Pete’s sake.  Woman are liberals.  As a Wise Latina once said, all white men are stupid.  That is the maxim for our age.  We must not give these hateful, rightwing zealots any more attention, wait, that was from my old position statement.  They are evil oppressors of the people.  [Jeez, almost screwed up that one.  Rahm's latest missive was sitting under the old talking points.  I've got it straight now.]  Keep up the fight.  After all, we must support our Dear Leader and The Party to the exclusion of all else.  As long as we have Anderson Cooper and Jon Stewart barking out the truth about these teabaggers, we’ve got them on the ropes.  It’s not like these people are real with families and lives and thoughts of their own.  They are just Astroturf, like Nance says.  [Gosh darnit, I stepped in it again.  That was last year's communique from the DNC.  I've got to get these files updated.]  Here we go, ‘we must marginalize and divide and conquer all dissent from the collectivist narrative.  Boy, that was a close one.

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