WASHINTON, D.C. -U.S. President and self-appointed savior of the human race has finally revealed plans to initiate a government takeover of heaven. In a statement to the press on Sunday, Obama chided God himself for creating a volcanic ash cloud which interfered with the “chosen-one’s” personal travel plans and left most of Europe stuck on the ground in airports since Wednesday.
Amazing footage of God’s disdain for the American False Idol captured by aircraft flying above the could of toxic ash.
Golden Calf (Obama's Secret Service moniker) questioned “how dare the Christian God think that his control extends over me” and also stated “it’s time we take our future into our own hands and change this God paradigm forever. Only by taking full control of the heavens and earth can I truly glorify myself properly.”
In a related turn of events, God displayed his true power and glory by demonstrating a storm from above amidst the already chaotic skies early on Saturday. In the photo above, you can see that the Creator truly has the world firmly in his hands. Administration officials decried the move as an attack on their climate-change policy from “far right-wing radicals” and Attorney General Eric Holder stated, “I can’t wait to read miranda rights to this “God character” and give him the bill personally for all those carbon credits. At the mention of carbon credits, former Vice President Al Gore went into hiding and was unavailable for comment.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a brief statement in which she claimed to have been briefly possessed by the spirit of God back in 1971, but recently discovered that psychedelic mind-numbing narcotics and lesbian experimentation proved to be the true inspiration for her life-changing three day vision. There is no explanation given for the ongoing psychosis.
Despite the fact that God, is well..God, Barry was still steamed that someone could exert power greater than his own. In an unprecedented flurry of Executive Orders, Obama took control of every major Christian faith-based church and sect on Sunday saying, “If I can do it with GM and Chrysler, I can do it to them too. God’s house? He’s not even home…If he can’t clear up these skies me and Gaff-master Joe can do it.”
Spokesmen for God simply said to not expect a statement because God works in his own time, further infuriating Obama.
In a quick reversal of statements earlier in the week, Barack Obama stated that he had intended to aim for Mars first, but now thought he should just deal with God here and then take the heavens by storm later. Interested Americans when questioned stated “Mr. President, take your feet off of Mars and your head out of Uranus and come back to Earth where we still need help with jobs, the economy, and an unwarranted invasion into our health-care."