Source: WHITE HOUSE August 4, 2012
Given the President’s very busy golf / campaigning schedule this summer, the President has naturally de-emphasized the other priorities of the office. Specifically here, the President wishes to acknowledge the many individuals and interests who have been “acting stupidly”. The President apologizes for this oversight, and bows to those who have rightfully called him to task. We have now filled the schedule for the rest of his term to try to clear the books (we apologize if we were not able to make amends for all the wrongs that you perceive).
NOTE – as with all of the President’s scheduling, this is tentative and the schedule may be reordered or reprioritized as required for National Security (golf and/or campaigning). However, these dates are being released for planning purposes, and at this time the President fully intends to vote, er, BE present.
In appreciation of the gravity of this situation, and knowing that sometimes only beer will calm the neanderthal clinging to his guns or religion, the President has proposed the following schedule:
Aug 11/12: “You Didn’t Build That” beer summit. The President acknowledges that many/most Americans have been programmed to take “You didn’t build that” negatively. Of course this is Bush’ fault, and President Obama has not had the luxury of time to re-program Americans to understand that all success and goodness flows from the Motherland. In light of this, the president would like to have a beer summit with Vladimir Lenin. But he’s dead (allegedly). So instead, he’ll beer Sir Richard Branson. Granted, Sir Richard Branson is not an American, but he did build something, and it is Bush’ fault that the President can barely stand to talk to actual Americans.
Aug 18/19: “You Didn’t Win That” beer summit. The President acknowedges that Michael Phelps is the most medaled Olympian ever, and that most people view his success as being at least somewhat related to his own personal efforts. President Obama laughs at this ridiculous premise, and relishes the thought of schooling Joe Sixpack on this. Even though it is totally obvious that Phelps (rhymes with helps – coincidence?!?!!?!) could not have accomplished what he did without government sponsorship of roads, education, air, etc, you Americans somehow read this differently, and the President understands that he will poll poorly (amongst neanderthals) until he takes the fall.
Aug 25/26: ObamaCare “You Can Keep Your Doctor” beer summit. President Obama did nothing wrong here (no, he didn’t lie!), and employers exiting the healthcare arena are obviously Bush’ fault. Dr. Kevorkian would be the natural guest of this beer summit, because a) was a doctor, and b) the President wishes that personal doctor choice would die as gracefully as one of Dr. Kevorkian’s patients. But Dr. Kevorkian is dead, so Obama gets a “bye” on this one.
Sep 1/2: ObamaCare “No Federal Funding of Abortion” beer summit. No self-respecting person would have taken Nancy “We have to pass the bill so you can see what’s in it” Pelosi and Harry Reid’s assurances seriously, but these Honorable servants did say that the Government would not fund abortion with ObamaCare. Yes, this was a case where we (the Obama administration) were actually transparent (in terms of totally telegraphing the actual direction that we would go), but darn it, google searches like “stupak abortion obamacare” show us that we owe someone a beer. We’re not sure who, but Rick Santorum says there are approximately 50 million. We’ll contact him for clarification.
Sep 8/9: ObamaCare “No New Taxes” beer summit. Well, obviously, ObamaCare would never have passed with any NEW TAXES. Which is why we defined it in fact to reduce the deficit, and eliminate wrinkles. But we digress. Since nobody would ever approve of a tax increase in the middle of a Great Recession, ObamaCare has been crafted to reduce the deficit and ward off vampires. Given this, the President will beer Edward Cullen or Robert Pattinson, whichever shows up.
Sep 15/16: “Unemployment Miscalculation” beer summit. Sure, President Obama promised that with the stimulus unemployment would peak at 5.6%, and it is now 8.3%. But which of us hasn’t made mistakes, or knowingly (white) lied to make sure that the public was protected from evil by a little “white lie”? And don’t even start to talk about U6 – it’s not what we talk about. On a mis-calculation of the unemployment rate, the parties most wronged are those who are in fact unemployed, so the President offers to buy all 8.3 of them a beer. And he hopes they can tell him why this is such a big deal.
Sep 22/23: “Green Jobs are the Future” beer summit. Well, sure Solyndra didn’t work out. But neither did Apollo 13 land on the moon. And unlike Apollo 13, Soyndra was “green”. Face! For this one, the Executive Branch staff is preparing a beer summit with St. Patrick. St. Patrick knew “green”.
Sep 29/30: “Most Transparent Administration Ever” beer summit. Sure, the President has spent millions to keep his records under wraps, which appears totally in conflict with the President’s pledge. But that is what the term “HIS” covers, isn’t it? Duh! It’s called English! But you don’t get it, so – Obama will host Rahm Emanuel for a beer summit. It’s so transparent, we don’t need to say any more.
Oct 6/7: “I will Close Gitmo” beer summit. Well, he WON didn’t he? And to balance out those in captivity that shouldn’t be (Gitmo) – President Obama will meet Eric Holder, Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid (have you considered the seriousness of the charges????), and Anthony Weiner for this beer summit. And that should cover it. ‘Nuf said.
Oct 13/14: “Fox News is Propaganda” beer summit. This is really a stretch for him – how could anyone take Fox seriously!?!!?! But for this, the President will meet Robert Murdock.
Oct 20/21: “Post-Racial Administration” beer summit. By Post-Racial, we meant we would “post” anything we could possibly make “racial”. But you all can’t take a joke, so we’ll meet with you if you can prove you’re not a racist – psych!!!
Oct 27/28: “Fast and Furious” beer summit. We did a “fast” one, and Darrell Issa is “furious”. Works for us. Like Darrell Issa is POTUS – we pwn’ed him. But in the spirit of reconcilliation, if we accidentally got you killed by selling guns to Mexican drug cartels knowingly and then closing our eyes and counting to 30 billion before coming to look for the buyers, OUR BAD. Come have a beer on us.
Nov 3/4: “The Return of the King” beer summit. This is so titled both because we are working for the “Return of the King” and because we’ll be using an army of the dead to accomplish this. If you are not on the public dole, we owe you a beer. If you are, you owe us one.
We apologize in advance.