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Revealed for First Time: Cutting Edge Research into Behavior of Establishment Republicans

ABSTRACT: Establishment Republican behavior confounds American Conservatives.  Behavior has widely been observed to conflict with expected behavior for this American subspecies.  We isolate and reproduce the underlying behavior change in two alternate host species, confirming the hypothesis of genetic mutation.

INTRODUCTION: The authors, in this peer-reviewed paper analyze the different characteristics of late 18th-century Americans and early the 21st-century “Establishment Republican” subspecies.  A document set spanning the range, from the late 18th-century “Declaration of Independence” and “Constitution of the United States of America” through the contemporary “Facebook Timeline Compendium” will confirm that mutation, accelerating over time, has occurred in the American subspecies.  Without the benefit of the time-compression techniques used by the authors, few have dared to believe that such change could have occurred.  The authors not only conclusively confirm the degeneration of the subspecies, but isolate a genetic mutation (one of many?) responsible for the pathology.

METHODS:

1) Establishment of characteristics of subject populations (a representative subset shown here).

Late-18th Century Americans:

  • Acknowledge a Creator and His Sovereignty (see “Pledge of Allegiance”, “Under God”)
  • Fiercely Independent (see “Declaration of Independence”)
  • Value Freedom over  Security (see “Give me Freedom or Give me Death”)
  • Fear a strong central Government (see “Constitution of the United States”, “Federalist Papers”)

Early-21st Century Establishment Republicans

  • Acknowledge the Sovereignty of the Democrats (see “1/2 of 1/3 of Government” and other bedtime stories)
  • Fiercely dependent (see near-constant pleas for donations)
  • Value Security over Freedom (see pathologic lying to constituents, etc)
  • Feed a strong central Government (see repeated CRs, “No Child left Behind”, etc)

2) Forming of hypothesis – “Something has had to go horribly wrong with the genome of this subspecies”

3) Isolation of genetic variation, highlighting strongest deviation between the populations

4) Gene splicing to insert the suspect gene into two alternate host populations for confirmation

RESULTS:

The authors have amazingly isolated one (of many?) genetic defects, that not only affects the Establishment Republican population, but caused similar symptoms into two (heretofore thought unrelated) animal populations.  This is ground-breaking science.

WARNING: The below videos are disturbing and should not be watched by sensitive individuals.

NOTE: The captions and audio of the videos have been altered to hide this work from the work of animal-rights Nazi’s who, upon finding the unaltered versions, would pose a grave threat to the authors.

FINAL WARNING: Do not click on these videos if you have a heart condition, a respiratory ailment, or especially if you have just taken a bite of food or (worse yet) a drink of milk.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

EXPERIMENT 1, HOST SPECIES 1 (pathology shown starting at 0:18)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

EXPERIMENT 2, HOST SPECIES 2 (pathology shown starting at 0:13)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CC_9aFuEkA

CONCLUSION:

Like Myotonic goats, Myotonic GOPs (Establishment Republicans) faint at any noise, allowing Democrats to have their way with them.  It’s not their fault.  Tragic, tragic consequences of corruption of the genetic code.

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