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Satan Sandwich, Satan Fries, and a Satan Shake – with Satan Sauce

IN WHICH I OFFER MY EXCLUSIVE “PITCHFORK RATINGS”® FOR DEBT LIMIT SCREW-UP PARTICIPANTS

Over the past few weeks, I have written, on this site, about topics like “the current law baseline” and “the history of sequestration.”

The Far Left has taken a different approach: One commentator uses the word “crazy” to describe people who disagree with him at least four times a night -– frequently in the presence of token conservatives who should defend us, but don’t.

If you want my opinion, in the debt limit debate, “crazy crazy crazy” beat out “the history of sequestration.” We won the argument, but lost the debate. Two of our brightest stars, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, have suffered at the hands of the same narrative.

We often forget that it was ObamaCare “what brung us to this dance.” And the reason why ObamaCare was so powerful was that it reminded us that the other side was not only wrong on the issues, but morally corrupt.

So, in that spirit (and, I know, I know, conceding that “the graphics are lame”) I offer:

MY EXCLUSIVE “PITCHFORK RATINGS”® FOR DEBT LIMIT SCREW-UP PARTICIPANTS

BARRY OBAMA

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E –E   5 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Thinking he could turn water into wine.

Last year, it was that you could “keep the insurance you currently have.” This year, it was that slashing defense, immunizing entitlement benefit levels, increasing taxes, borrowing $2 trillion, and postponing domestic discretionary cuts was somehow “balanced.”

He knows he’s lying. We know he’s lying. He knows that we know he’s lying. And we know that he knows that we know he’s lying.

Yet Obama somehow thinks that, if he talks down to us in a nagging tone, it will magically become the truth.

If that worked, Anthony Weiner would be president.

It is no coincidence that Obama’s ratings plummet every single time he opens his mouth.

My recommendation for securing reelection: Go on a one-year “family heritage tour” of Indonesia, Kenya, or, better yet, Timbuktu. Preferably, someplace without a phone.

NANCY PELOSI

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E -–E   5 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Denouncing herself and thinking no one would notice.

Watching multi-millionaire Nancy Pelosi rail on about “millionaires and billionaires” was like seeing a drunken society maven accidentally set herself on fire.

Ultimately, people like two-faced fop Robespierre are usually carted off to the guillotine. Or, at least, they face a “reasonable, common sense” measure like the dunking stool.

So how is it that Pelosi isn’t underwater?

What Republicans should have done is to secure a trademark on the “Millionaires and Billionaires®” brand. Then they could sue the Democrats for every sentence that came out of their mouths. The Dems would, literally, have nothing to say. It would be like a “curse jar,” but for idiots.

JOHN BOEHNER

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E –E   5 PITCHWORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Showing up at a nuclear war with a nail file.

Who’s crying now?

The Beltway Bawler has given us all something to cry about.

After his caucus initially denied him the opportunity to “give away the store,” he tried to sneak the inventory out the back.

He cowed his quivering subordinates into supporting Boehner 3.0 by cursing at them. And now that two out of every three Americans believe the “deal” will make the economy worse, his endangered Republicans are stuck to it.

Oh, and the exclusive rationale for making a bad deal — that, otherwise, the stock market might plunge 500 points and the U.S. might be downgraded to an AA rating? Guess what happened there?

HARRY REID

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E -–E   5 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Dropping out of Toastmasters.

For the next month, mercifully exiled to Searchlight, Nevada, where his beloved roses and pomegranates will now, presumably, shrivel up and die under his care, just like the economy.

Biblically, pomegranates represented fecundity. Let’s hope that’s not the case here.

MITCH McCONNELL

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E –E   5 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Negotiating backwards.

Just when Obama had expressed a willingness to make enormous fake cuts in exchange for the debt limit increase, McConnell hatched a plan to let Obama raise the debt limit himself, in exchange for small fake cuts.

Did he not understand that the point of “negotiation” is to bring the other side closer to YOUR position?

Up until now, McConnell’s bad ideas could be filibustered, and Boehner could be pressured not to bring them up. But, with the tax-increase committee, McConnell’s bad ideas now have super-powers.

He’s like the “radioactive spider” of politics –- except, instead of biting Peter Parker, he bit Charles Manson.

PAUL RYAN

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E   4 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Justifying the tax-raising commission with a crazy baseline theory.

Whenever I came up with a brilliant, but crazily convoluted legislative scheme, the late Senator James McClure would flash his Cheshire cat grin and tell me it was “too cute by half.”

He was always right.

Ryan got GOP freshmen to vote for the tax-increase committee with a convoluted theory about the “current law baseline,” but didn’t know enough parliamentary procedure to realize that he had given the committee the power to make whatever assumptions it wanted.

Whether it’s destroying Medicare reform by announcing your plan prematurely –- or creating a committee with evil super-powers -– Ryan has demonstrated something fundamental about himself:

He is smart, but not wise.

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E   4 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Thinking they could burn off their own grass roots. Dismissively calling their own readers “Hobbits.”

Note to WSJ: You understand the Hobbits were the good guys, right? Soooo, what would that make you?

Fresh from waging war against the forces of good policy in order to defend Portfolio Castle, Steve Moore of the WSJ went on TV to explain that, although the Journal blasted conservatives for not supporting Boehner 3.0 (which was the prerequisite for Boehner 7.0, which was signed into law) (WSJ, 7/27/11, p. A14), it was now clear that the market imploded because the Boehner 7.0 cuts weren’t massively larger.

In other words, with Portfolio Castle in smoldering ruins, the WSJ has belatedly concluded that they should have used the molten tar, catapults, and guns.

BILL O’REILLY

RATING: –E -–E -–E -–E   4 PITCHFORKS (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

BIGGEST MISTAKE: Broadcasting.

“Always wrong, but never in doubt.”

Spent his time pushing to raise the debt limit because otherwise the stock market would tank. How’d that work out for you?

Proposed a national sales tax on top of that. Then, on Thursday, issued a goofy apologia that he had (erroneously) thought the stock market would go UP.

And, yet, he’s still on the air, offering even more bad advice. Which brings me to my final point: For “natural selection” to work, there are some errors which need to result in extinction.

by Michael E. Hammond, former General Counsel Senate Steering Committee 1978-89.

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