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The Cain Impunity

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Despite his awkward handling of them, when the first reports began to surface implicating Herman Cain in a pair of sexual harassment complaints dating to his days as President of the National Restaurant Association, it seemed the campaign would easily weather the storm. But then things turned ugly.

Now, it seems, almost daily another woman steps up to announce that once, fifteen years or so ago, she, too, thought about filing a complaint against the former Pizza King. Or as Cain himself quipped, “I didn’t know there were that many women named Anonymous in this country.”

The latest accusation, by Sharon Bialek, also known as “the allegator formerly known as Anonymous,” presents a whole new side to Cain’s character. No longer a matter of inappropriate, ill-advised comments and gestures, Ms. Bialek describes a harsh, demanding, physically threatening monster, who acts in a horrific manner not seen since Justin Bieber was on the prowl. Or, according to some, Bialek accused Cain of acting and speaking a lot like, or exactly like, Joe Pesci in “Casino.” If this is true, it would suggest that the National Organization for Women and Anita Hill still jointly own the rights to Long Dong Silver and “The Excorcist.”

It would be wrong to make light of Ms. Bialek’s charges, or to seek to discredit her by claiming she declared bankruptcy multiple, or that she has a history of filing harassment claims, or that she’s been fired from just about every job she ever held. These are no down symptoms of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder she suffered at the hands of the Pillsbury Grow Boy. In fact, Bialek is legitimate, and her accusations are beyond dispute. How do we determine this? By asking who is representing her. The answer, Gloria Allred, than whom oppressed women have no greater friend. The only surprising thing about Allred’s move is the timing. Usually the celebrity attorney, who some suggest was the original model for James Carville’s quip about dragging a hundred dollars through a trailer park, waits to spring her stunning tales of outrage and injustice at the last minute.

Allred’s premature allegation is yet another hint that Cain’s campaign will not last the distance. It suggests that there are a lot more shocking accusations to come. In fact, I am rather thrilled to be breaking one right now. It is entirely possible that Herman Cain raped my sister, Angina. I realize this is a serious charge, and one that should not be made lightly, but consider this. We have already established that Cain is such a notorious sexual predator that he makes Bill Clinton look like The Beaver in comparison. Who knows how much worse the charges will get? Who knows how much money and publicity might be lost by waiting too long to level them?

Here are the facts. When I asked my sister what she thought of Herman Cain (and this was before the hailstorm of allegations began), she responded evasively. “Who?” she asked.

“Herman Cain,” I replied. “Presidential candidate, Mr. 9-9-9?”

“”9-9-9?” she asked. “What’s that, some new sexual position?” (Interesting, don’t you think, that, despite denying any knowledge of the man, she introduced the subject of sex into the conversation).

“Did he ever grope you?” I demanded.

My sister pretended to be offended. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on, Sis, just tell the truth.”

“I’ve never heard of him until today.”

“Oh, ho, ho,” I scoffed. “That’s sounds a bit convenient to me.”

“Really, what are you going on about?”

“Please, I implore you, come clean, Angie. Help the nation begin the healing process.”

“What healing?” she spluttered. “What are you talking about?”

“We need to heal the wounds left by this monstrous sexual predator. You have to tell the truth.”

“What truth? He never touched me.”

“Interesting you use that term, ‘touched me,’” I observed. “Who said anything about touching you?”

“You did, you idiot. You asked me if he groped me.”

I pounced on it. “And did he?”

I refused to listen to her denials. I realized she was lying, but she was lying out of fear. Fear of what this man had done, and might well do again. Finally, after many hours I managed to bring her around. She now realizes the healing process can’t begin until she confronts the beast, and how not even MSNBC will let her tell her story unless she has a lot of incriminating details.

Finally, little Angie is ready to step up and tell the truth. She wants to tell as many people as possible, to warn other unsuspecting women of this menace who stalks their streets and hallways. We’re open to appearance fees, articles, a book, maybe movie rights. I’m thinking the Lifetime Channel would be perfect. Might be a good vehicle for Lindsay Lohan’s relaunch. I’m just thinking out loud here, spitballing, ya know.

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