The President says to.
You have to pity the poor kid currently Occupying the White House. He is desperately seeking reelection, not for his own glory, but out of a sense of duty. His Work is not yet done here. His people still need his transformative gifts. Yet it grows ever more difficult to get through to those wayward subjects. They look at his Works and see a train wreck. They don’t understand how hard his job has been. They don’t realize just what a mess the last guy, the dread Bush, left for him to clean up.
And what about the lousy Japanese? Why did they let that tsunami happen? And BP! They caused that oil spill. Now the Europeans, having overspent recklessly for decades, are threatening to plunge the world into another recession. The fools. Why couldn’t they see how dangerous their policies were? Now we’ll never get a national medical plan, cradle-to-grave welfare or a system of high speed trains. We’ll never get to be like Europe, because the Europeans screwed up so badly. It’s just not fair.
And another thing. Why don’t people understand that it’s not his fault the economy is so screwed up? You know what is really causing high employment? Technology, that’s what. Why, just look at ATMs. How many tellers have lost their jobs because of them? Or the scanners in grocery stores. Or how about the Internet? Companies like Expedia and Orbitz completely wiped out the travel agent industry. (Incidently travel agents throughout America were quite offended when the President declared that their industry had disappeared).
Anyway, you can’t blame him for the lack of jobs. Technology did it. Which makes it doubly curious to learn that the guy’s reelection campaign is urging people to stay home this holiday season. Yesterday, Rufus Gifford, National Finance Director for the President’s reelection campaign, sent an email promoting the campaign’s online store, where you can do all your holiday shopping.
Want some Biden Ear Muffs? Check. A Hillary bed warmer? You can get it here. Maybe a Tim Geithner Tax Planner? How about a nice, toasty warm Biden/Obama fleece? Just log on. Speaking of fleeces, know anyone who wants a shiny new Stephen Chu Green Energy Loan Guaranty? Oops, sorry. That item is out of stock, at least through Kwanza.
What’s the best thing about the online store? Well, let’s let Rufus himself tell us: “The best part? You won't have to fight the crowds, or even leave home.”
There you have it. Boycott the malls this Christmas. Stay home and shop on line. By order of the President. You know, somebody really ought to vet this stuff before they send it out. Or maybe it’s by design, to give that poor kid currently Occupying the White House one more excuse to cite when trying to explain why it’s not his fault that Americans can’t find work.