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A Satire

http://www.mlgoodell.webs.com

Half my inbox these days consists of Gorean alarums about global warming having caused “unprecedented drought in California,” which generally start out by referencing “the driest winter since 1976.” Besides giving a new meaning to the term “unprecedented,” these appeals serve as the ideal springboard from which to launch appeals for money.

Stripped down to their barest essentials, the environmental message is that George Bush unilaterally abrogated the Kyoto Accords, a climate-saving treaty which the US Senate rejected by a 95-1 vote, (It may have been 95-2, but details don’t really matter since I’m arguing on the liberal side of the spectrum here), Big Oil and the Koch Brothers are collaborating to drown hapless South Pacific Islanders, and everything would be better if I sent the Environmental Defense League, the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, Al Gore and Organizing for Action $100 each.

It is with some guilt that I turn to rest of  the emails clogging my in box which basically boast that record low temperatures and high snow levels in the Midwest prove that climate change is a hoax and that Obama lied about whether you could keep your doctor. There are no problems in the world except those born of the overheated imagination of leftist socialist anti-capitalist enviro-freako-wierdos. And, I hold in my hands the power to make all those problems go away, if I would just send Ted Cruz, Jim Dement, Sarah Palin and the Crossroads GPF Fund $100 each. Oh, and buy a copy of Rush Limbaugh’s latest children’s book.

Being a bit of a dinosaur, I tend to recall the last time we had unprecedented droughts and record cold temperatures and high snow levels. I don’t recall anyone saying anything about Global Warming causing those phenomena, probably because back in the seventies environmentally-oriented people had their knickers in a twist about The Coming Ice Age. Some people, true radicals I’ll grant you, went so far as to ascribe heat and cold, snow and drought to bizarre things called weather patterns, stationary high pressure cells camped off the coast of California, and other meteorological terms.

Sadly, as time has passed and more Cassandras have taken over tv stations’ weather maps and environmental fund raising operations, it becomes harder to find anyone capable of discussing the weather without screaming like a Banshee (it is the goal of every serious essayist to fit Cassandras and Banshees into the same sentence as often as possible).

It has been said of the Internet that the easier it is to transmit information, the stupider we all come–I doesn’t know if that’s true, but I did read it on the Internet–and that certainly has proved to be the case with the escalation of normal weather into disaster, and the unique into unmitigated horror. As Mark Twain once said, “Every body talks about the weather but–eek! Run for your lives!”

Surely you all agree that it is high time to return weather to its natural role as what happens outside. I am happy to take on that task. In fact, I am confident I will be able to shut up both Al Gore and the super secret Koch Brothers if you will just send $100 to my new 501 (c)(4) organization (send me ten grand and I’ll let you look at my list of secret funders), Weather Not Climate.

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