You know you're a Conservative when Vice President Cheney's at the top of your list.
Not a knee-jerk enemies list or catalogue of successful Alpha males you've determined to despise. Not a list of Yale flunk-outs or Powell-nemeses.
But a list of political rock stars on par with Elvis and other great leaders who never die.
If there were a mountain for Vice Presidents, you'd want Jefferson, Adams and Cheney carved on it by great American artists, across the valley from musical giants Elvis, Satchmo and Frank.
If you went to a Conservative Political Conference, you'd pay scarce funds to see another kind of King who can't sing but for all the fanfare could easily be Elvis.
You know you're a Conservative in the Land of the Free when, regardless of your age, you'd start cheering before Cheney's on stage and no one would haul you to jail for your preferences.
At places like C-PAC, you'd see Americans aged 16-28 rooting for Cheney because he tells it like it is to fans smart enough to care.
You'd hear 29-49 year-old screamers, frantic about freedom and funds, swooning over his wise-man lyrics and hound-dog refrains.
You'd watch the 50-80 set, desperately searching solvency and heroes off the field, going nuts over this fearless, hard-boiled composite of Sam & John Adams.
You know you're a Conservative if you headed to Costco on 8/30 to buy Dick Cheney's book and came home with nothing else.
You know you're a Liberal when you wouldn't be caught dead reading In My Time unless your job required it. If water-boarded and forced to read the book, you still wouldn't believe it.
But for rare genius converts like David Mamet, Conservative Groupies have plenty of proof there's no hope for most Liberals to change. Disliking America as they do, the best solution is for them to move elsewhere.
Short of miracles, the only way to restore our nation is to effect the Cheney Doctrine: defeat Liberal politicians who have seriously harmed America and anyone else seeking to destroy our home.
You know you're a Conservative if you do.