After much soul searching and after a very emotional session with my wife, I’ve decided to also come clean about my relationship with South Carolina Republican Gubernatorial Candidate Nikki Haley. Needless to say, it is a very trying time for me and the wife, so please, no queries or unfounded allegations. As part of my confession, I also admitted to my wife numerous other affairs I’ve had over the years. One must, a some point of their life, take a step back, honestly look at themselves and come clean with not only their loved ones, but his or herself.
So not only am I admitting I slept with Nikki Haley, I am coming clean on ALL my adulterous affairs. I admit I also slept with the following people: Tuesday Weld; Marilyn Monroe; Rita Hayworth; Gloria Swanson; Rachel Welch; Barbara Boxer; Helen Gurly Brown; Indira Gandhi; Greta Garbo; Bettie Davis; Joan Crawford; Sophia Loren (the best, I mean, really primo!); Janet Reno; Mary Pickford; Lou Gehrig; Theda Bara; Lana Turner; Jayne Mansfield; Bettie Page; Margaret Thatcher; Emily Bronson; Jane Eyre; Kim Cantrell; Jennifer Aniston; Casey Stengel (Had to shut my eyes and really think about Sophia during that one); Bella Abzug; Golda Meir; Mary Pickford; Ingrid Bergman; Veronica Lake; Elsa Lanchester; Frau Blücher; Helen Thomas (Had to Shut my eyes and really, I mean really, think about Casey Stengel for that one); Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi (on the same day, but at different times…I do have standards); Mary Astor; Claire Trevor; Ward Bond; The entire Rat Pack (except for Frank); Whittaker Chambers; Liz Taylor (m’eh); Joan Collins (twice!); Heather Locklear; Joan Jett; Myrna Loy; Ida Lupino; Jerome Horowitz and his Brother Moses; Ava Gardner; Joan Blondell (before she got fat); Hari Krishna; Mata Hari; Beelzebub; Mia Farrow (it was really my Kid in the movie); Fran Drescher; James Dean; John Dean; G. Gordon Liddy; Lili Von Shtupp; Bill Buckner (The afternoon just before Game Six of the 1986 World Series); Olive Oyl; Betty Boop; Wimpy; Kate Moss; Kate Jackson; Kate Smith; Eleanor Roosevelt; Tina Turner; Christian Adolph Jurgensen III and finally, every Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader until the year they fired Tom Landry.
I might have left out a few, but that about covers it. You get my drift. So to my Wife, I am very Sorry and I hope the New Hyundai I bought you makes up for it….
Your Loving Husband