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The Obligatory TSA Body Search Blog Post

This ranks up there with beating a dead horse, But I decided (post surgery) to get back up to blogging speed by posting on everyone being upset about the TSA Body Search and the “Nude” X-ray machine.

First: I want every red-blooded American male whom, during puberty, saw the Ad for “X-Ray” Glasses advertised in the back of Comic Books or magazines and either sent his money in to get a pair or wich he had the buck to buy it…Let’s count…1,2, 3…..yep, I see about 42,171,351 hands raised…..  Well, the good news is, for about 100 grand you can get something that will make that holy grail of seeing through Women’s clothes possible. The bad news is, the Woman has to cooperate because it weighs about a ton and won’t fit on your nose like X-ray glasses.

I’ve sat backed and watched this whole story unfold, looked at the photo’s if TSA employees doing, for lack of a better description, exotic karate search chops to individuals breasts/Crotch/Groin/Junk/booty/”My Precious” or whatever you call it and have come to the inescapable conclusion is that all of this is because of two issues: The first issue is that we were faced with the fact that  Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was willing to blow up his testicles in order to have a shot at 72 virgins.

(Note to Self: Start Rumor in Muslim World that if you blow up your gonads trying to get to heaven and your 72 Virgins, you wind up there unable to take advantage of said virgins because you BLEW UP YOUR GONADS!!!).

Couple the “Underwear Bomber” with the second fact that the Obama Administration is absolutely paranoid about another 9/11 event happening on their watch because it would put to lie of their claims of there no longer is a Global War on Terror with Islamic extremists (who number in the Millions by the way) and voilà, you have the combination of excessive poking and every man’s childhood dream of having X-ray vision to see naked women come true.

The Solution to this is simple.  Allow profiling of passengers and by profiling I mean everything on the table to observe …including race.  The dirty secret is that with proper training and for a lot less money, we can make travelling safer, quicker and cheaper (for taxpayers) by simply profiling.  Unfortunately, the same people who have imposed Spanish Inquisition based body searches are also steadfastly against profiling.  C’est la Vie.

So, If we must go “Spelunking” on peoples bodies to ensure safe flying, I have a suggestion that will stop the complaints by most of us males…  If we men must get body searched, we have a choice.  We can either get patted down for free by someone who looks like Fat Peter Clemenza from the Godfather Movies:

Or, for a fee of 20 bucks or so (that goes to reduce the nation’s deficit), we get searched by someone who looks like this (no transvestites allowed):

The results will be threefold:

1) You will have guys lining up to be searched who won’t complain about it and help reduce the deficit.

2) You will have guys lining up to be searched who won’t complain about it, aren’t even flying that day and help reduce the deficit

3) You will teach ladies who have to lap dance for a living a real trade and give them a job that has a retirement plan and health benefits.

I leave it to a female Blogger to figure out a way women won’t complain about body searches, because, despite what you dames think, WE MEN CANNOT READ YOUR MINDS..you have to tell us what you want then we will do it.. I Promise!

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