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Romney Shakes Things Up

Mitt Romney Shakes Things Up

Mitt Romney Press | August 30, 2012

Location

Tampa, FL United States

Mitt Romney today announced that everything he has been saying for the last year is not what he really meant to say.

“Americans: With the bruising Republican nomination process behind us, I now look forward to winning the presidency,” said Mitt Romney. “For the sake of America it is vitally important that I win this contest and make Barack Obama a one term president. Therefore it is imperative that I reconsider some of the positions I took during the Republican primaries.  To that end it will be necessary to change my position on a few select issues.  This will be an ongoing process, and I reserve the right to change other alleged positions of mine as necessary.  Over the last several days I have been able to think about a few of the issues and I hereby announce my first group of new positions.”

Birth Control

“My friends, when it comes to birth control we need to be listening to the women in our country.  We know that they need access to birth control and that all women cannot always pay for it.  I mean, this is a no-brainer.  During the primary contests, I know some misunderstanding of my positions got out, and there just wasn’t enough time or money to fully clarify my position.  So, to make sure that all American women are clear, I want them to know that I am committed to requiring employers, whomever they might be, to provide birth control – free of charge – to all their employees, if they provide health insurance.  After all it is the employee’s health insurance that they are earning through their job not the employer’s health that is in question.”

ObamaCare

“Actually, this is very, very inappropriately named.  I invented this in Massachusetts, and thus my campaign will henceforth refer to it as Romney/Obama Care.  There is one important change to that law that I would seek as President, and that would be to make sure that all women have free access to abortions on demand by having the Federal government pay for all abortions.”

Auto-Industry Bailout

“I really wanted to tell the Michigan people about this during the primaries, but unfortunately I could not.  When the auto-industry bailout was being considered by the new Obama administration, The President called me to get my input on what I thought should be done.  He offered me General Motors for a couple of million dollars, but I deferred on the grounds that Bain Capital would probably not be as good a steward of that iconic gem of American industrial might, and that the Federal government would probably do better at saving American jobs. I encouraged him to do what was right for American workers, and he obviously did this.  My public statements at the time should be disregarded.”

Marriage Equality

“As governor, I strongly supported the rights of gays and lesbians to marry. Unfortunately, the legislature of Massachusetts was just not ready to approve such fair, forward and responsible legislation at the time.  Same-sex marriage is inevitable in this country, so why fight it?  As president I will encourage the Congress to pass sweeping legislation to force all states to immediately implement comprehensive marriage-equality. Under my proposed legislation all Federal aid would be cut off to any state that does not comply within one year of my taking office.”

Background on Mitt Romney:

Governor Romney served as governor of Massachusetts from 2003 to 2007.  As a bi-partisan wizard, Mitt was able to reach across the aisle and coax other Massachusetts lawmakers into approving the (at the time) most comprehensive set of state sponsored health insurance programs in the country.

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